tyson_chick3SPRINGDALE, AR – In what experts are calling “a huge step in the fight against GMOs,” food industry giant Tyson Foods announced Thursday plans to replace hormone therapies designed to increase the size of their chickens with a new poultry-based Crossfit program.

“It is our hope that, by running our chickens through an intensive, high-intensity interval training regimen, we will be able to bring our customers the same thick, meaty chicken they’re used to without the need for potentially dangerous chemicals,” said Tyson Foods CEO Donnie Smith, “We want our chickens to make the absolute maximum gains possible, but in a natural sort of way.”

Smith told reporters that the comprehensive fitness program will span all muscle groups and include a wide range of workouts. The chickens will perform a number of dynamic exercise techniques, ranging from burpees, pull ups and cardio training to Olympic weightlifting and gymnastics.

“These chickens are going to be fucking huge, bro,” Smith said, “Like, we’re building some serious bulk here, bro.” At press time, Smith was personally leading a group of chickens through a series of pull-up exercises while chanting “Gotta get big, gotta get big” to himself.