Screen Shot 2017-03-03 at 10.36.17 AM1. Trashcan Falls – An Appalachian classic, Trashcan Falls offers a five minute walk to a magical outcropping of rock formations and shimmering pools for your significant other to give your meat wallet a good old-fashioned finger blasting.

2. Boone Fork Falls – It’s well worth the strenuous hike to reach the awe-inspiring site of Boone Fork Falls, with 25 foot roaring rapids that will disguise the sound of you and your partner’s unholy feat of outdoor plumbing.

3. Cascade Falls – At milepost 271.9 off the Blue Ridge Parkway lies Cascade Falls, offering a tranquil setting where water slides off the stones the same manner your future-ex slides their fingers inside you under the veil of an old parka that smells of stale cigarettes.

4. Elk River Falls – Elk River Falls offers an even rock ledge over an 85 foot drop that provides a stadium-like setting for you and your Tinder date to casually perform sexual ventriloquism.

5. Linville Falls – One of the most popular spots off the Blue Ridge is Linville Falls, with lush foliage, colorful flowers, and a vast waterfall to offer you stunning views while a handsome stranger declares manifest destiny on the land where the sun doesn’t shine.