Post Tagged with: "Chancellor Everts"

Roided Up Chancellor Everts Offers Raise To Any Professor That Can Best Her

Roided Up Chancellor Everts Offers Raise To Any Professor That Can Best Her

BOONE, NC– While flexing her gigantic biceps, a roided up Chancellor Everts was seen screaming at professors walking to teach their classes, daring them to wrestle her for a chance at a raise. The Chancellor started looking for victims to beat up at 8am near Sanford Hall and has since stood outside the entrance of every building hoping to find[Read More…]

September 29, 2016 Student-Life
Chancellor Everts Triumphantly Raises Black Freshman Above Head On Union Steps

Chancellor Everts Triumphantly Raises Black Freshman Above Head On Union Steps

    BOONE, NC– While letting out a deep, powerful roar that could be heard across campus, Chancellor Everts stood on the steps of the Student Union and triumphantly raised an unidentified black Freshman above her head, signaling the beginning for the most diverse class in Appalachian State’s history. “Gaze upon the fruits of my labor and see that it[Read More…]

August 17, 2016 Student-Life
Chancellor Everts Announces Plans To Use Salary Raise To Improve Private Zoo

Chancellor Everts Announces Plans To Use Salary Raise To Improve Private Zoo

BOONE, NC — Following the decision by the UNC Board of Governors to raise her salary by $50,000, Chancellor Everts announced Wednesday that she will devote her influx of North Carolina tax dollars to improving the conditions of her private exotic zoo. “This raise came just in time,” Everts said as she gently stroked the tiger cub sitting in her[Read More…]

November 4, 2015 Student-Life
Thursday Class Disrupted By Tailgating Chancellor Everts In Back Of Room

Thursday Class Disrupted By Tailgating Chancellor Everts In Back Of Room

    BOONE, NC — Calling the situation “uncomfortable” and “intrusive,” students in a 2 p.m. section of Computer Science II were interrupted Thursday by a drunken Chancellor Everts tailgating in the back of the classroom. Excited to pregame for App State’s game with Georgia Southern, the inebriated Chancellor reportedly stumbled into the room just as students were getting ready[Read More…]

October 22, 2015 Sports & Entertainment, Student-Life
Chancellor Everts Implements Parking On The Moon For Football Games

Chancellor Everts Implements Parking On The Moon For Football Games

  CAPE CANAVERAL, FL — In a compromise called “beneficial for all parties”, Chancellor Everts has recently received permission from NASA to allow parking on the moon for home football games. “We heard the students cries for fair parking during home football games,” Everts wrote in a mass email, “So now every time there is a home game, we will strap[Read More…]

September 22, 2015 Sports & Entertainment, Student-Life
Chancellor Everts Refuses to Cancel Class Amidst 2nd Ice Age

Chancellor Everts Refuses to Cancel Class Amidst 2nd Ice Age

BOONE, NC – With the second Ice Age finally upon us, Chancellor Everts has yet to send an email cancelling tomorrow’s class and friends of the Chancellor have revealed that she has no plans to do so either. “It’s just a bit chilly,” Everts told her friends in regards to the apocalyptic weather conditions, “And all the streets and sidewalks[Read More…]

February 16, 2015 Student-Life