NalgeneBOONE, NC – In a scene described by onlookers as “unsettling” and “pretty fucked up, man,”eyewitnesses reported Sunday that Appstate Sophomore Gabe Emerson—a fellow mountaineer, someone we probably walk past every day—does not have a single sticker on his Nalgene. The stickers on one’s water bottle are a reflection of someone and  what they like to do, so a person with a plain water bottle is surely a sociopath, empty inside and a threat to us all.

“I have accounting with Gabe,” said Freshman graphic design major Laura Wilkinson. “I thought I was just imagining it. My Camelback is literally covered in stickers and I don’t even know what most of them mean, but I’d never be caught with a naked bottle.”

Such an outrageous rumor must be a hoax or cruel joke, but rarely has a hoax caused the kind of bedlam that took place across campus. Students everywhere were rending their clothes, smearing food and other substances on walls and seeking refuge in trees.  Junior Jerry Mills was seen kneeling in the center of Sanford mall while drawing in the mud. Mills’ clothes were torn, his hair was disheveled and he looked as though he hadn’t eaten in days, but he seemed eager to tell his theory.

“The bottle is worn in these regions” He said, pointing excitedly to two places on the crude drawing of a Nalgene bottle he had made in the mud. “The label is almost inscrutable and the underside is scratched repeatedly. By my calculations, this means he’s had it for over a year…a whole year and he’s collected no stickers for it?! Has he even been to Black Cat? Anna Bananas?” Mills looked to someone for answers with huge, bloodshot eyes—a look of complete, manic desperation. “WHAT KIND OF MAN IS THIS? WHAT DOES HE LIKE? DOES HE EVEN LIKE ANYTHING?” Mills then lurched forward onto his hands and knees, then fell over into a fetal position.

Among the screams of students like Mills, cries for answers from a higher power and general chaos, one student is not affected. In response to the chaos which has befallen campus in the wake of this tragedy, International Criminal Justice major Donny Hammond is reportedly forming a posse of concerned students to find Emerson and force him to explain himself.