14543611_10210354972732830_575722994_nBoone, NC– After a painstaking two year investigation, meteorologist Debra Jillings’ findings have revealed that Walker Hall is 14 degrees warmer than the average active volcano.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” Jillings said. “I just cannot believe this hasn’t been addressed already. I’m not even sure how these kids are upright and walking.”


Walker Student Succumbs To The Heat

“Why is nobody more concerned about this?” Jillings said. “It’s literally almost 3000 degrees; no one in that building should be able to survive, let alone learn math in that kind of environment.”

Jillings suggests that the building be evacuated immediately and classes should either meet elsewhere or be cancelled until Walker reaches more habitable temperatures.

“I had to change my major because the heat was unbearable,” said Jonathan Timbers. “We all bring extra pairs of shoes every day because they melt in the halls on the way to class. I’ve lost three pairs of chacos and a new pair of sneakers so far.”

Professors that teach in the hall agree that the temperature has reached a point that is almost impossible to deal with.

“I understand that the school is trying to save money, but this is ridiculous,” says Professor Jeffrey Danes. “I have to constantly check to make sure students aren’t literally baking during a class. It’s terrifying. I’ve had three students die on me this week alone.”

At press time, the building remained fully operational with students being advised to dress accordingly to avoid overheating.