doucheman2BOONE, NC– A recent study published in Archaeology Magazine has confirmed the long-held consensus among the scientific community that all fraternity brothers are descendants of one really douchey ancestor.

The ancestor, who the authors of the paper dubbed “Brad,” reportedly lived more than 45,000 years ago with some of his closest friends.

“It’s truly astonishing that we found a genetic marker completely unique to Fraternity brother DNA,” said lead researcher Dr. John Demarco. “Of course, there had always been an assumption that you had to be genetically predisposed to join a fraternity, but now there’s actual proof! This is truly incredible.”

Since the startling discovery, a team of geneticists has begun trying to build a profile of who exactly Brad was.

“Currently, we are trying to figure how Brad was able to breed with so many females,” explained lead geneticist Blair Wright. “Our working theory is that he was very loud and persistent, but it has also been suggested that he did it forcefully.”

“On top of that, we’ve already concluded that Brad was relatively strong, but with lower than average intelligence,” Wright continued. “He was most likely the leader of his tribe, but due to his low IQ, probably wasn’t respected by his peers.”

While studies continue in regards to the origin of Brad, current Fraternity brothers were reportedly “psyched” by the news.

“Fuck yeah, I knew we were related,” said Alpha Sigma Phi brother Jim Breston. “The connection we got is so much deeper than brothers and now we know why: we’re distant cousins!”

At press time, the campus fraternities had joined together to throw a massive rager in honor of their genetic similarities.