14580341_1690182801309739_994274834_nBOONE, NC– According to reports, local Freshman Stan Fuston has been holding back excitement all week for when he will be taking fellow freshman Hannah Bern, a woman he has had intercourse with only twice, out to dinner with his parents this weekend. 

“Finally I can show off to my parents that a female is capable of tolerating me,” said the eager Fuston. “Even though we only had sex twice, Hannah and I have a deep connection forged on a lofted dorm bed.”

It is Fuston’s hope that the dinner will end constant questions from his mother ‘about finding a nice college girl’ and other parental relationship concerns. He also hopes that the dinner will serve as the two’s first real date.

“To be honest I can’t remember where Hannah is from or even anything she’s interested in,” said Fuston, admitting he’s not even sure how to pronounce her last name. “But by taking her out to dinner with my folks, I can let them ask all the crucial questions I never got answered when we were going at it.” 

Bern is understandably much less excited for the outing than Fuston. She is hoping to avoid any questions about their relationship, saying she’s trying to prevent Fuston from embarrassing himself in front of his parents.

“I’m pretty nervous about this,” said Hannah Bern, adding that she was planning on ending things before she got the invite. “I don’t think I’ve ever had more than ten minutes of conversation with Stan. If I’m being honest, I’m mainly going for the free dinner.”

At press time, Futson could be seen with his parents trying to determine whether Hannah lived in Justice or Coltrane.