Picture

BOONE, NC– After searching aimlessly around the Sanford Mall for hours, high school senior Danny Childress came to the harrowing realization that there is no Hot Topic at Sanford Mall during his campus tour this past Monday.

“The mall was one of the main reasons I was considering App State,” Childress said. “Well guess what? I walked across every square inch of this so-called ‘mall,’ and it’s just fucking dirt.”

“There’s not even a single glasses kiosk,” he continued, adding that he even would have settled for one of those booths that sell iPhone cases. “It’s just a bunch of dirty hippies jumping on a rope. I hate this place.”

Childress is not the only one dismayed by this revelation. His friend Adam Radford travelled from Florida to visit this university based solely on Childress’s promise that there would be a full-fledged mall right in the middle of campus.

“I’m not saying it was the only reason why I drove all the way here, but I will say that I’m feeling pretty cheated right about now,” Radford said. “They really need to think about changing the name to Sanford Field or something.”

At press time, the disgruntled students had briefly been confused again after mistaking Belk Hall for an actual department store, only to be let down again just a few minutes after walking inside the building.