patlock
RALEIGH, N.C.– Following weeks of withering criticism over the discriminatory House Bill #2, Governor Pat McCrory issued a statement Tuesday announcing that he plans to cease punching transgender woman Jill Connors in the face.

McCrory began repeatedly hitting Connors in the face immediately after the 32-0 HB2 vote, saying that his prolonged assault represented a “simple solution to a complex problem.” He said that his decision to stop smashing Connors in the face is intended to combat “widespread misinformation” about mercilessly thumping transgender people.

“I simply cannot understand why people would have an issue with common-sense practices like this,” McCrory said as he pushed himself off the thoroughly bludgeoned Connors. “Really I think there’s been a lot of lies and hypocrisy surrounding this, and I just want to clarify what we in North Carolina are all about.”

McCrory went on to say that, while he isn’t going to require businesses to stop beating trans people, he would make sure that state employees were shielded from further pummeling.

N.C. General Assembly member Nelson Berger said that planning to stop bashing Connors in the skull repeatedly was a “reasonable concession from the Governor.”

“Now that Governor McCrory has put a full stop to his own incessant clobbering, I don’t see anything remaining for the left-wing political correctness mafia to seize on,” Berger said, gesturing toward the barely-conscious Connors. “Checkmate, liberals.”

Still, some conservative leaders felt McCrory’s actions went too far. Tami Fitzgerald, executive director of the N.C. Values Coalition, said that the Governor should not back down from ceaselessly whacking Connors in the name of freedom.

“I will not rest until Governor McCrory personally body-slams every single trans person in our great state into near paralysis,” Fitzgerald said, foaming at the mouth. “God bless North Carolina.”