Aries — March 21st-April 19th

Family and friends may have been acting somewhat differently towards you recently, Aries. Either this is paranoia caused by Mars being in Virgo, or your loved ones are not who they seem. Check their eyes and you’ll know when you see it. But you mustn’t let them know that you know. Lock your door at night and sleep with a sprig of African violet if at all possible.

 

 

Taurus — April 20th-May 20th

Success at work is in your future, Taurus! Especially if your current goal at work is to get fired. Congratulations?

 

 

Gemini — May 21st-June 20th

Much like fellow Gemini, Donald Trump, you should probably stop. Just stop. Like everything.

 

 

Cancer — June 21st-July 22nd

Mercury is in an unrestful position near your ruling heavenly body, the moon. This could mean discomfort with your social status. Use November to really climb the ladder. Then look how far up you are! Woah! I bet normal sized stuff will look small. It’ll be a zany little adventure!

 

 

Leo — July 23rd-August 22nd

You’ve been giving a lot of yourself to other people recently. But November is the month for YOU time, Leo! Treat yourself to no end! Don’t let credit card spending limits stop you even for a second. Stare into a mirror and even kiss it a little. Write your own name all over everything.  Seriously, really go for it with the mirror. Hot.

 

Virgo — August 23rd-September 22nd

Omg don’t go swimming.

 

Libra — September 23rd– October 22nd

Due to the planets being in space, this month will be November.

 

Scorpio — October 23rd– November 21st

October was a lot of fun for you because Uranus — the party planet — influenced your Mars heavily. I wish I could say November will be the same, or at least bearable, but…yeah this month is going to suck for you. I don’t know what to say. Sorry.

 

Sagittarius — November 22nd– December 21st

Make some garlic bread this month. That shit’s delicious.

 

 

Capricorn — December 22nd-January 19th

Neptune will increase your powers of influence for the entire month, Capricorn. Try starting a cult. Just to see if you can. Unfortunately, you won’t be very creative this month, so just steal bits and pieces from other religions and throw in some rules about how people have to do stuff for you and dress funny.

 

Aquarius — January 20th– February 18th

You’re an open minded individual, Aquarius. Want to be my partner and my third? He may or may not be a politician and may or may not have the power to do you a big favor if needed. We’re clean. The paperwork is ready when you are.

 

Pisces — February 19th-March 20th

The sign of Pisces is represented by two fish. You’ll get some pet fish this month for the sole purpose of naming them references from an obscure thing you like so that people are aware that you like that obscure thing. *slow clap*