fist bump

BOONE, NC — Staying a step ahead of vicious hackers, App State tech services announced Wednesday that students will now be required to perform a secret handshake with Doug in order to log into their AsULearn accounts.

“Doug’s a pretty cool guy,” explained IT director Steven Ermire, referencing the sweet handshake he’d seen Doug use to greet his friends. “He was really the only person at the school that would be right for the job.”

The job has forced Doug, a junior recreation management major, to learn over 17,000 personalized handshake combinations, each one requiring a minimum of six unique motions and at least one bump-boom with corresponding sound effects.

“I was surprised that Doug remembered and flawlessly executed my handshake on the first try,” said sophomore Henry Cullotta. “The best part was he turned out to be a pretty chill guy. He even smoked me out afterwards and took me to CookOut. My AsULearn account has never felt more secure.”

Preliminary system testing concluded that Doug was virtually immune to hacking.

“What’s incredible about the new security measures is that Doug immediately knows if someone tries to imitate a handshake,” explained lead programmer Nolan Reese, noting how his own personalized handshake with Doug includes a backhand high five, a bump-boom, a palm swipe, three back pats, an extreme chipotle vortex, and 14 seconds of woogity-woogitying. “We had been having trouble with hackers in the past, but I’m confident this new security system has made it a non-issue.”