sixBOONE, NC – Local hipster Ben Williamsburg is reportedly having no luck improving his aesthetic after being on a diet of nothing but coffee and cigarettes for several weeks. Williamsburg apparently first went on the diet after not receiving any compliments on his new sweater that he discovered deep inside his great-grandfather’s basement and then chose to wear at the poetry night three weeks ago. “I thought that this sweater would get so many compliments that my aesthetic would be at an all time high, Williamsburg explained. “ But nobody even noticed me, so I figured I would just have to up the ante.”

After drinking nothing but plain black coffee and smoking pack after pack of American Spirit cigarettes for two whole weeks, things still were not looking up for Williamsburg. “Nobody seemed to notice how the growing bags underneath my eyes matched my entirely black 1950’s inspired outfit, nor did anyone notice how I lost ten pounds and looked exactly liked Jack Skellington from The Nightmare Before Christmas.”

After a few more days of this diet, Williamsburg was said to have suffered a nervous breakdown in the middle of his creative writing class. He reportedly began to scream obscenities such as, “None of you idiots could ever understand true aesthetic,” and “Pop is dead, but my look will live forever.” These outbursts have thus far not helped his case.