BOONE, NC– Admitting that he would never have come to Appalachian State if he knew this disease was floating around the student body, Lil’ Wayne reportedly contracted the mumps at his concert in Boone and will now call himself Big Wayne until further notice. “This shit retarded,” said the swollen rapper as he attempted to walk around his tour bus on his swollen feet, but was having difficulty because he somehow managed to catch the long since eradicated disease even though the only student with the disease was quarantined. “Had all my goddamn vaccines and shit, but nah, them doctors don’t know jack. Swole as a motherfucker now though. Them bitches can’t call me Lil’ no more. I’m big as fuck.” At press time, the mump-ridden recording artist had yet to change his name to ‘multiple red spots around the genitalia’ after having sex with a particularly gross groupie.