BOONE, NC — With UNC basketball appearing in the 2016 NCAA Championship game, Appalachian State student Nick Paul was found this weekend having a nervous breakdown in his dorm room, envisioning a life where he didn’t slack off in high school and got good enough grades to attend a college with a relevant basketball program.

“When I first got turned away at Chapel Hill, I was devastated, but tried to be optimistic about Appalachian State,” said Paul, a lifelong Tar Heels fan. “But it really only sunk in for me how desperate I was when I tried to get James Michael McAdoo to autograph my rejection letter.”

Paul graduated high school with a GPA of 3.2 and a wide array of extracurriculars, none of which caught the attention of university admissions.

“Tough shit,” said one anonymous UNC admissions officer. “Maybe a couple more AP exams would’ve allowed this poor dumbass to be out celebrating on Franklin Street, but hey, that’s what you get for not going the extra mile.”

Paul told press that he simply “couldn’t get behind” the Mountaineers’ basketball team, despite putting in many minutes trying to immerse himself him in its history.

“When I read this Wikipedia entry describing the history of the team, I fell to my knees in disbelief of how bad they really are,” Paul whimpered, clutching his Michael Jordan UNC jersey. “It’s just not the same. How can I possibly attend a school with no national basketball titles? They aren’t even ACC!”

Paul’s intense denial has led him into a severe depressed state, and is now being treated for something his doctors have diagnosed as “being an irritating bandwagoner”.