WASHINGTON, DC– Having sensed that nothing good will come of rational discussion, a deranged Speaker of the House Paul Ryan burst onto the House floor with a bomb strapped to his chest that “will explode in thirty fucking seconds” if he doesn’t get an immediate vote on the Republicans’ health care bill. “Look, Trump wants a vote, and I’m gonna give him one right now, or I swear to God, I’m blowing up this entire fucking building with all of you worthless shitheads inside it!” the speaker screamed between spouts of maniacal laughter, grabbing the nearest representative by the hair and pressing the man’s face against the bomb. “Just tell me you don’t think this is real! Does this look like a fucking prop to you?! I’ve got nothing left to live for! Fucking try me, I dare you!” At press time, Louisiana representative Clay Higgins had requested a brief recess in order to allow the House some more time to think over the Speaker’s proposals.