evertsbaby

 

 

BOONE, NC– While letting out a deep, powerful roar that could be heard across campus, Chancellor Everts stood on the steps of the Student Union and triumphantly raised an unidentified black Freshman above her head, signaling the beginning for the most diverse class in Appalachian State’s history.

“Gaze upon the fruits of my labor and see that it is good,” the Chancellor bellowed as the writhing Freshman glistened in the sunlight. “A new era has dawned upon Appalachia; an era of inclusion and diversity.”

“Many thought it was impossible,” she continued, “but I, Chancellor Sheri N. Everts, have brought great pride to our community. Together, with your help, we shall increase our minority acquisition ten-fold!”

Although the two hour long spectacle didn’t draw much of a crowd, the few that stopped by on their way to class were happy for her.

“She really needed a win,” said Junior Brett Haverthorn, who listened to the Chancellor yell about diversity for six minutes. “Like, that time she didn’t oppose HB2 publicly and people protested. I think that really took a toll on her mentally.”

“Yeah, and they also protested when she got a raise,” added Sophomore Stacy Christianson, “but hopefully this’ll put those complaints to rest once and for all.”

Members of the Freshman class, however, are now fearful of becoming the next diverse student the Chancellor shows off.

“She cornered a bunch of us in Anne Belk,” said traumatized Freshman Blake Geraldo. “Most of us were able to get away, but she’s way stronger than she looks.”

“I’ve never seen an old woman move that fast,” added witness Ron Belfast. “Thank God I’m half white or I could have been in some serious trouble.”