World & U.S.

Millennial Menacingly Checks Off Toys ‘R’ Us From Kill List

Millennial Menacingly Checks Off Toys ‘R’ Us From Kill List

BOONE, NC– Reading a CNBC article on Toys ‘R’ Us’s filing for chapter 11 bankruptcy, 24-year-old Josh Adkins menacingly checked off the toy retailer from his millennial kill list. “Everything is going according to plan,” Adkins announced to fellow millennials across the nation through their mass group message. “After years of development and planning, we now have our first hit![Read More…]

September 21, 2017 Business, World & U.S.
Body Shaming Critics Campaign For ‘Thin’ Mint Rebranding

Body Shaming Critics Campaign For ‘Thin’ Mint Rebranding

New York City, NY— Girl Scout Cookie Headquarters was taken by storm Monday morning as hundreds of offended cookie consumers occupied the building’s lobby to demand a rebranding of the popular “Thin Mint” cookie. According to the protesters’ demands, the top-selling chocolate mint cookie will be boycotted this season unless the body shaming cookie’s name is changed to one that[Read More…]

March 6, 2017 World & U.S.
8 Billion People Make It Through Another Day

8 Billion People Make It Through Another Day

Earth, Milky Way Galaxy– Growing collectively more tired as Tuesday dragged on, humanity reportedly managed to make it through yet another rotation on Earth’s axis. Although most of the 8 billion human inhabitants on the planet had an overall pleasant day, some experienced turmoil. “Yeah, I had a couple tests and an essay due today, so it was pretty shitty,” said[Read More…]

October 18, 2016 World & U.S.
Pat McCrory Issues Executive Decision to Stop Hitting Transgender Woman in the Face

Pat McCrory Issues Executive Decision to Stop Hitting Transgender Woman in the Face

RALEIGH, N.C.– Following weeks of withering criticism over the discriminatory House Bill #2, Governor Pat McCrory issued a statement Tuesday announcing that he plans to cease punching transgender woman Jill Connors in the face. McCrory began repeatedly hitting Connors in the face immediately after the 32-0 HB2 vote, saying that his prolonged assault represented a “simple solution to a complex[Read More…]

April 14, 2016 Politics, World & U.S.
Scientist Spends Life Researching Some Bullshit Instead of Bringing Back Dinosaurs

Scientist Spends Life Researching Some Bullshit Instead of Bringing Back Dinosaurs

SACRAMENTO, CA — During his acceptance speech of The Tyler Prize for Environmental Achievement, local scientist James Phan tearfully promised to continue his work in alternative energy bullshit instead of working on something dope like bringing back dinosaurs. Phan, a dedicated environmental scientist, father of two, and apparently someone who has never seen Jurassic Park, has spent the last 12[Read More…]

January 19, 2016 World & U.S.
Bigfoot Goes on Social Justice Rampage Through Boone

Bigfoot Goes on Social Justice Rampage Through Boone

  BOONE, NC — Reports coming out of the Boone Police Department have revealed that the mythical creature Bigfoot recently has been spotted wreaking havoc in downtown Boone in what many people are calling a social justice rampage. According to eyewitnesses, the nine-foot-tall mythical beast wandered out of the forest at around 8 AM, immediately noticing a bystander in a[Read More…]

October 5, 2015 World & U.S.
Study Shows One in Every Three Man Buns Is Actually a Gross Parasitic Tumor

Study Shows One in Every Three Man Buns Is Actually a Gross Parasitic Tumor

BOONE, NC — Sparking concern and suspicion on campus, a new study commissioned by the World Health Organization revealed Friday that roughly one in three man buns in Boone is actually a “gross parasitic head monster thing”. The study found that those afflicted were often unaware that the clump of hair atop their heads was actually a pulsating, gelatinous monstrosity[Read More…]

September 29, 2015 World & U.S.
Police Officer Assaults Local Black Person for Publicity

Police Officer Assaults Local Black Person for Publicity

BOONE, NC – After watching multiple police officers receive national attention for abusing their authority, local police officer Timothy Preston violently assaulted unarmed black school teacher and father of three, Steve Williams, in order to achieve a similar level of fame. “I’m not racist or anything,” Preston could be seen saying in the dash cam video as he violently beat[Read More…]

August 24, 2015 Local, World & U.S.
Terrible Person Diagnosed with Cancer

Terrible Person Diagnosed with Cancer

BOONE, NC – In news that has left the community in a state of shock and disbelief, but not quite sadness, Boone local and generally awful person Richard Johnson was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer and given a few weeks to live. Johnson, a 4th generation Boone local, has always made his presence felt in the community, whether he was[Read More…]

August 24, 2015 Local, World & U.S.

PETA Pushes New Measure Which Would Name All Animals

NORFOLK, VA — Following the controversial killing of Cecil the lion in Zimbabwe, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has called for the naming of all individual animals worldwide as a revolutionary new strategy in their crusade against animal cruelty. “What happened to Cecil was reprehensible and disgusting,” said PETA spokesperson Meghan Heifer in a press statement last week. “But the[Read More…]

August 21, 2015 World & U.S.