Uncategorized

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

BOONE, NC– Sources have confirmed to us, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! AT PRESS TIME, GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!

November 9, 2016 Uncategorized
Study: Dog Ownership Found To Increase Frequency Of Sexual Activity By 87%

Study: Dog Ownership Found To Increase Frequency Of Sexual Activity By 87%

BOONE, NC– A groundbreaking new study has revealed that dog ownership increases frequency of sexual activity by 87 percent. This stunning report has already lead to a major spike in dog adoptions at the Watauga Humane Society, with the majority of adopters consisting of freshmen males. “I get girls’ numbers while walking my dog all the time,” said dog owner[Read More…]

October 26, 2016 Uncategorized
October Horoscopes

October Horoscopes

      Aries: Impulsive Aries, Mars’ influence on your spending behaviors has caused you to make irresponsible purchases and rack up considerable debt! Just follow this advice: kiss your loved ones goodbye. Go to the laundromat off of state farm road between the hours of 2:00AM and 4:00AM. You’ll see an elderly lady sitting outside shelling peanuts. Hand her[Read More…]

October 4, 2016 Uncategorized
May Horoscopes

May Horoscopes

Aries March 21st- April 19th Jupiter’s dominant position in your desire center will give you the urge to eat more, but Saturn’s retrograde will be telling you to eat less. Do both at the same time and see how it shakes out! Taurus April 20th- May 20th You’re quite the talker lately aren’t you, Taurus? You probably began speaking around[Read More…]

May 4, 2016 Uncategorized
Man Shits In Misbehaving Dog’s Kennel To See How He Fucking Likes It

Man Shits In Misbehaving Dog’s Kennel To See How He Fucking Likes It

BOONE, NC — After countless instances of coming home to a freshly dropped deuce on his carpet, Irvin Keller decided to take a stand against his dog’s free spirited sphincter and shit in his kennel to see how he fucking likes it. Quinn, Keller’s three-year-old labrador, has always enjoyed evacuating his bowels in inconvenient places, but the smell of fecal[Read More…]

May 2, 2016 Uncategorized
Printer Hobo Seen Begging for Change in Belk Library

Printer Hobo Seen Begging for Change in Belk Library

BOONE, NC— In an embarrassing plea for help, local printer hobo Peter Ellis was seen Thursday morning at Belk Library hovering around the first floor printer and glancing hopefully at the students waiting in line. “Yo, do you think you could print this out for me?” the trashy sophomore asked one passerby as he warmed his hands by a trashcan[Read More…]

April 17, 2016 Student-Life, Uncategorized
Things To Do On Valentine’s Day If You’re Single

Things To Do On Valentine’s Day If You’re Single

February 14, 2016 Uncategorized
February Horoscopes

February Horoscopes

Aries — March 21st-April 19th This cold weather is driving people indoors, Aries. The wild will soon take over. Shed your clothes, run outside and rule the frozen wildlands in the buff!   Taurus — April 20th-May 20th Saturn’s dominant influence on you this February will bring your natural shyness to the forefront and people may start to forget about you. Don’t[Read More…]

February 1, 2016 Uncategorized
November Horoscopes

November Horoscopes

Aries — March 21st-April 19th Family and friends may have been acting somewhat differently towards you recently, Aries. Either this is paranoia caused by Mars being in Virgo, or your loved ones are not who they seem. Check their eyes and you’ll know when you see it. But you mustn’t let them know that you know. Lock your door at night[Read More…]

November 5, 2015 Uncategorized
9 Fun New Collection Ideas

9 Fun New Collection Ideas

Tired of your baseball card collection? Your wide array of vintage playboy magazines that you keep under your bed not tickling your fancy anymore? Here are some fun new ideas of things you can collect to excite your inner hoarder: 1. Pokémon Cards — There are so many cards out there you can collect and collect and never have enough. Battle[Read More…]

November 3, 2015 Uncategorized