Student-Life

Social Justice Warriors Establish Inclusive Space To Exclude Non-Oppressed Students

Social Justice Warriors Establish Inclusive Space To Exclude Non-Oppressed Students

BOONE, NC– Due to an uptick in progressive attitudes throughout campus in recent years, local social justice warriors have felt pressure to implement a safe-space to specifically exclude cisgendered, heterosexual, white allies. The safe space is named after a local social justice legend, Trisha Prince, who reportedly harassed a cisgender, heterosexual white woman on Facebook who had shared an article[Read More…]

February 7, 2017 Politics, Student-Life
Equity, Diversity, And Compliance Office Unironically Located In Bowels Of I.G. Greer

Equity, Diversity, And Compliance Office Unironically Located In Bowels Of I.G. Greer

BOONE, NC– Revealing that this, in fact, isn’t a joke at all, new reports coming out of Appalachian State University exposed that the Office of Equity, Diversity, and Compliance is unironically tucked away in the hallway leading to the exit on the first floor of I.G. Greer. To reiterate, the hallway leading to the exit of I.G. Greer, which was[Read More…]

February 2, 2017 Student-Life
Vegan Educates Others On Health Detriments Of Meat Consumption Between Cigarette Drags

Vegan Educates Others On Health Detriments Of Meat Consumption Between Cigarette Drags

BOONE, NC — Patrons going outside for fresh air at the Boone Saloon this past weekend were met with an unprompted lecture on the health problems associated with meat consumption given by Junior vegan Terry Gleeson while reportedly smoking his fifth cigarette of the night. “We have three times the cancer rate as people in the rest of the world because of our meat consumption[Read More…]

January 25, 2017 Local, Student-Life
Student Switches To Art Major Because Trump Is President, Anything Is Possible, Fuck You

Student Switches To Art Major Because Trump Is President, Anything Is Possible, Fuck You

BOONE, NC— Finally deciding to live out his dream, App State sophomore Ryan Seaton says that he will be switching his major to art, from accounting, because Trump is now the president, absolutely nothing is impossible at this point, so who the fuck even cares? “Yeah, for a while, I was like, why would I want to have such a[Read More…]

January 23, 2017 Politics, Student-Life
Student Applying To Become RA Just To Have Room To Themselves

Student Applying To Become RA Just To Have Room To Themselves

BOONE, NC — After applying for the notable campus leadership position of Residential Assistant, sophomore Sharon Briggs admitted to applying just for the single-occupant room. “I went to the interest meeting and they were talking about how it was a ‘good leadership experience’ and how it ‘looks good on a resume,’” said Briggs, “but as soon as they told me[Read More…]

November 17, 2016 Student-Life
Closeted Student Finally Comfortable Enough To Come Out As Neo-Nazi

Closeted Student Finally Comfortable Enough To Come Out As Neo-Nazi

BOONE, NC– Crediting Donald Trump’s victory for giving him the bravery to share his true self, local student Chris Lemmings has decided to come out of the closet and reveal to the world that he is a proud neo-nazi. “I’ve just always assumed that nobody would accept me for who I am. I’ve never been ashamed, I just didn’t want[Read More…]

November 11, 2016 Local, Politics, Student-Life
Student Voting Trump Because He Can’t Understand Foreign Professor

Student Voting Trump Because He Can’t Understand Foreign Professor

BOONE, NC– In a recent interview, formally undecided voter Dustin Harvey revealed that he has chosen to vote for Donald Trump in today’s election solely because Harvey cannot understand his foreign Vietnamese philosophy professor. “People always tell you to vote for the issues that affect you most, and my inability to understand a word my professor says is that key[Read More…]

November 8, 2016 Politics, Student-Life
Students Hoping Upcoming Seasonal Depression Will Distract Them From Their Regular Depression

Students Hoping Upcoming Seasonal Depression Will Distract Them From Their Regular Depression

BOONE, NC– Remaining cautiously optimistic about the coming weeks, students at Appalachian State are collectively hoping that their annual seasonal depression will give them a break from the regular depression they are currently plagued with. “I’m excited to get a little bit of leniency,” said senior Avery Simpson, already feeling slightly less indifferent towards the immediate future. “Usually my seasonal[Read More…]

November 3, 2016 Student-Life
Freshman Excited To Get Started On Cigarette Addiction

Freshman Excited To Get Started On Cigarette Addiction

BOONE, NC– Explaining that he knows the risks but doesn’t care, Appalachian State freshman Thomas Davidson expressed excitement for getting started on his inevitable cigarette addiction. The freshman told reporters that he plans to follow the usual path of pulmonary destruction that most college students appear to endure. “It’s going to be awesome,” said Davidson as he practiced rolling up[Read More…]

November 1, 2016 Student-Life
Health Services Now Reserved For Students Currently Committing Suicide

Health Services Now Reserved For Students Currently Committing Suicide

Boone, NC– Recent reports coming out of Appalachian State have revealed that the counseling centers lack of funding has forced them to reserve their services for students currently committing suicide. The new policy was enacted after the University put an emphasis on visiting the counseling center without actually increasing the centers budget. “We could barely keep up with the demand[Read More…]

October 28, 2016 Student-Life