Student-Life

Students React To Dog As If It’s The Last One Remaining

Students React To Dog As If It’s The Last One Remaining

BOONE, NC– Claiming that this is the cutest fucking dog ever, local students recently reacted to a dog being walked on campus as if it’s the last one remaining. “Puppyyy!” exclaimed sophomore Sarah Weathers as soon as the dog was in her line of sight like there had been a gigantic plague that killed all dogs on Earth except for[Read More…]

February 17, 2017 Local, Student-Life
Grandmother’s Funeral Scheduled For Fucking Weekend

Grandmother’s Funeral Scheduled For Fucking Weekend

BOONE, NC— The devastating news having just traveled from Greensboro to Boone, it now appears that the upcoming funeral for App State Freshman Adriana Roth’s recently deceased grandmother has been scheduled for the fucking weekend. “I couldn’t believe the news when I heard it,” spoke Roth of the devastatingly unfortunate time of the funeral. “I have a biology exam on[Read More…]

February 15, 2017 Local, Student-Life
Guy With Jeep Just Parks Wherever

Guy With Jeep Just Parks Wherever

BOONE, NC– Formal complaints are being filed against a Boone man who reportedly just parks his jeep wherever. Residents of hippie hill were the latest victims as they woke up to a curious sight this morning when local man Trent “Gearshift” Spencer had decided to park his forest green, 2015 Jeep Rubicon at a 70 degree angle on the beloved[Read More…]

February 9, 2017 Local, Student-Life
Little Bit Of Snow A Big Deal In Boone Now Apparently

Little Bit Of Snow A Big Deal In Boone Now Apparently

BOONE, NC– Hoping for just any kind of delay, students at Appalachian State have collectively decided that a little bit of snow is a big deal now, apparently. The light flurry of snow, which is not expected to climb above 1”, has for some reason excited vast portions of the student body. “I’m so fucking pumped,” said freshman Ike Blockfield.[Read More…]

February 9, 2017 Student-Life
Social Justice Warriors Establish Inclusive Space To Exclude Non-Oppressed Students

Social Justice Warriors Establish Inclusive Space To Exclude Non-Oppressed Students

BOONE, NC– Due to an uptick in progressive attitudes throughout campus in recent years, local social justice warriors have felt pressure to implement a safe-space to specifically exclude cisgendered, heterosexual, white allies. The safe space is named after a local social justice legend, Trisha Prince, who reportedly harassed a cisgender, heterosexual white woman on Facebook who had shared an article[Read More…]

February 7, 2017 Politics, Student-Life
Equity, Diversity, And Compliance Office Unironically Located In Bowels Of I.G. Greer

Equity, Diversity, And Compliance Office Unironically Located In Bowels Of I.G. Greer

BOONE, NC– Revealing that this, in fact, isn’t a joke at all, new reports coming out of Appalachian State University exposed that the Office of Equity, Diversity, and Compliance is unironically tucked away in the hallway leading to the exit on the first floor of I.G. Greer. To reiterate, the hallway leading to the exit of I.G. Greer, which was[Read More…]

February 2, 2017 Student-Life
Vegan Educates Others On Health Detriments Of Meat Consumption Between Cigarette Drags

Vegan Educates Others On Health Detriments Of Meat Consumption Between Cigarette Drags

BOONE, NC — Patrons going outside for fresh air at the Boone Saloon this past weekend were met with an unprompted lecture on the health problems associated with meat consumption given by Junior vegan Terry Gleeson while reportedly smoking his fifth cigarette of the night. “We have three times the cancer rate as people in the rest of the world because of our meat consumption[Read More…]

January 25, 2017 Local, Student-Life
Student Switches To Art Major Because Trump Is President, Anything Is Possible, Fuck You

Student Switches To Art Major Because Trump Is President, Anything Is Possible, Fuck You

BOONE, NC— Finally deciding to live out his dream, App State sophomore Ryan Seaton says that he will be switching his major to art, from accounting, because Trump is now the president, absolutely nothing is impossible at this point, so who the fuck even cares? “Yeah, for a while, I was like, why would I want to have such a[Read More…]

January 23, 2017 Politics, Student-Life
Student Applying To Become RA Just To Have Room To Themselves

Student Applying To Become RA Just To Have Room To Themselves

BOONE, NC — After applying for the notable campus leadership position of Residential Assistant, sophomore Sharon Briggs admitted to applying just for the single-occupant room. “I went to the interest meeting and they were talking about how it was a ‘good leadership experience’ and how it ‘looks good on a resume,’” said Briggs, “but as soon as they told me[Read More…]

November 17, 2016 Student-Life
Closeted Student Finally Comfortable Enough To Come Out As Neo-Nazi

Closeted Student Finally Comfortable Enough To Come Out As Neo-Nazi

BOONE, NC– Crediting Donald Trump’s victory for giving him the bravery to share his true self, local student Chris Lemmings has decided to come out of the closet and reveal to the world that he is a proud neo-nazi. “I’ve just always assumed that nobody would accept me for who I am. I’ve never been ashamed, I just didn’t want[Read More…]

November 11, 2016 Local, Politics, Student-Life