Student-Life

Missing Performance Major, Presumed Dead, Found Alive in Broyhill Practice Room

Missing Performance Major, Presumed Dead, Found Alive in Broyhill Practice Room

BOONE – Boone police and the community at large were relieved today to discover that student Mary-Anne Forsythe, of the Appalachian music department, is alive after being discovered this week in a Broyhill Music Center practice facility. Forsythe, a 20-year-old flute performance major, was reported missing by friends and family in late February of this year, as none of them[Read More…]

April 2, 2014 Student-Life
White Smoke Ascends From Bell Tower as New Chancellor is Announced

White Smoke Ascends From Bell Tower as New Chancellor is Announced

BOONE—For the last several months, Appalachian has been desperately seeking a new chancellor to take the place of our beloved Peacock. At long last, the new Chancellor has been announced, accompanied by the age-old tradition of white smoke ascending from the sacred taint of the physical plant, serving to announce that the selection process has come to a close. Like[Read More…]

March 26, 2014 Student-Life
WASU Announces Plan to Play Decent Song

WASU Announces Plan to Play Decent Song

BOONE, NC– In an attempt to attract listeners outside of their current demographic of preteen dweebs, WASU announced earlier this week their intentions to play an actual decent song sometime in the near future, something the station has refused to do for several years now. “With our success and notoriety skyrocketing since our mtvU Woodie Award, we feel the time[Read More…]

February 26, 2014 Student-Life
Local Coward Evades Opportunity to Save Cat Stuck in Tree

Local Coward Evades Opportunity to Save Cat Stuck in Tree

BOONE—Following meticulous investigative scrutiny, sources confirmed today that local coward Doug Burns ignored a neighborhood tabby cat stuck in a tree on Monday. Burns disregarded the friendly feline’s cries on his routine walk home from work Monday afternoon. Eyewitnesses say Burns sauntered towards the tree in an attempt at heroism, but quickly turned around after realizing the cat’s terrifying elevation.[Read More…]

February 12, 2014 Student-Life
Sorority Girl Who Lost iPhone Now Spends Hours Staring Into Her Palms

Sorority Girl Who Lost iPhone Now Spends Hours Staring Into Her Palms

BOONE – Sorority girl Lisa Schnitzel officially confirmed to sources this week that she has lost her iPhone and gone “totally nuts” without it. The harrowing reality of life without constant Facebook and Twitter notifications has left Schnitzel in a state of panic. In a feeble attempt to cope, she now spends long hours staring wide-eyed into her clammy palms,[Read More…]

February 5, 2014 Student-Life
App State To Move All Academic Departments Into Trailer To Give Football Team More Facilities

App State To Move All Academic Departments Into Trailer To Give Football Team More Facilities

BOONE, NC—Unanimously voting in favor of the new policy, Appalachian State University’s board of directors decided to move all academic departments into a trailer behind Gardner Hall while simultaneously allocating funds towards converting educational buildings into football workout facilities. “Woo! Football!” Chancellor Everts detailed in a mass e-mail addressing the changes. “Nobody is going to stand a chance against us now! Woo![Read More…]

January 29, 2014 Student-Life
Gymnasium Forcibly Renamed due to Budget Cuts, Lack of Letters

Gymnasium Forcibly Renamed due to Budget Cuts, Lack of Letters

The campus’ Varsity Gymnasium, having suffered the loss of vital alphabetical components, has been officially scheduled for a name change, as its primary sign lettering now reads “Varsity Gymnsm”. Gymnsm officials were not available for on-the-record commentary, but noted athletic department authorities have expressed disappointment over the lack of funding available for vowels in the athletic budget. “We all understand[Read More…]

January 29, 2014 Student-Life