Student-Life

Sorority Girl Who Lost iPhone Now Spends Hours Staring Into Her Palms

Sorority Girl Who Lost iPhone Now Spends Hours Staring Into Her Palms

BOONE – Sorority girl Lisa Schnitzel officially confirmed to sources this week that she has lost her iPhone and gone “totally nuts” without it. The harrowing reality of life without constant Facebook and Twitter notifications has left Schnitzel in a state of panic. In a feeble attempt to cope, she now spends long hours staring wide-eyed into her clammy palms,[Read More…]

February 5, 2014 Student-Life
App State To Move All Academic Departments Into Trailer To Give Football Team More Facilities

App State To Move All Academic Departments Into Trailer To Give Football Team More Facilities

BOONE, NC—Unanimously voting in favor of the new policy, Appalachian State University’s board of directors decided to move all academic departments into a trailer behind Gardner Hall while simultaneously allocating funds towards converting educational buildings into football workout facilities. “Woo! Football!” Chancellor Everts detailed in a mass e-mail addressing the changes. “Nobody is going to stand a chance against us now! Woo![Read More…]

January 29, 2014 Student-Life
Gymnasium Forcibly Renamed due to Budget Cuts, Lack of Letters

Gymnasium Forcibly Renamed due to Budget Cuts, Lack of Letters

The campus’ Varsity Gymnasium, having suffered the loss of vital alphabetical components, has been officially scheduled for a name change, as its primary sign lettering now reads “Varsity Gymnsm”. Gymnsm officials were not available for on-the-record commentary, but noted athletic department authorities have expressed disappointment over the lack of funding available for vowels in the athletic budget. “We all understand[Read More…]

January 29, 2014 Student-Life