Student-Life

Art Major Can Paint What’s On The Outside But Can Never Paint What’s On The Inside

Art Major Can Paint What’s On The Outside But Can Never Paint What’s On The Inside

BOONE, NC– Following his still-life painting class, art major Christopher Bates gazed at his impeccably detailed Chardonnay bottle with a wedge of cheese on his canvas and realized that he can paint what’s on the outside, but never what’s on the inside. “I’ve always been told I was a good artist, but doesn’t art have to come from the soul?[Read More…]

March 2, 2017 Local, Student-Life
Prospective Student Disappointed That There Is No Hot Topic At Sanford Mall

Prospective Student Disappointed That There Is No Hot Topic At Sanford Mall

BOONE, NC– After searching aimlessly around the Sanford Mall for hours, high school senior Danny Childress came to the harrowing realization that there is no Hot Topic at Sanford Mall during his campus tour this past Monday. “The mall was one of the main reasons I was considering App State,” Childress said. “Well guess what? I walked across every square[Read More…]

March 2, 2017 Business, Student-Life
Drunk Person Certain Of Sobriety

Drunk Person Certain Of Sobriety

  BOONE, NC– Ten drinks in at a party at the Cottages on Saturday night, completely wasted junior Tom Hanson concluded that he is absolutely certain that he is still sober. “Look guys, I’ve only had a few–couple things that I’ve had to drink and, like, and I feel totally fine,” said Hanson as he stumbled in an attempt to[Read More…]

March 1, 2017 Student-Life
Rogue Fingernail Clipping On Roommate’s Side Now

Rogue Fingernail Clipping On Roommate’s Side Now

Boone, NC– Reports surfaced late Saturday evening that one of freshman Lindsey Howes’s fingernail clippings shot across the 6-inch divide of her room in Gardner Residence Hall onto an unidentified part of her roommate’s side this past Sunday.  “I can’t find the little shit anywhere,” said Howes as she halfheartedly rummaged under her roommate’s desk, finding three half-drunk water bottles,[Read More…]

February 27, 2017 Local, Student-Life
Student’s Card Gets Declined At Walmart Subway As If Already Being Inside A Subway That’s Also Inside A Walmart Isn’t Fucking Bad Enough

Student’s Card Gets Declined At Walmart Subway As If Already Being Inside A Subway That’s Also Inside A Walmart Isn’t Fucking Bad Enough

BOONE, NC– Revealing that it took all of her not to just curl up into a ball and cry, local student Sarah Lynch got her card declined this past Tuesday at the Subway inside Walmart as if already being inside a Subway that’s also a Walmart isn’t fucking bad enough. Lynch, a junior, had never felt so absolutely pathetic in[Read More…]

February 23, 2017 Business, Student-Life
New AppalCart Driver Will Never Have The Same Spark As Phil

New AppalCart Driver Will Never Have The Same Spark As Phil

BOONE, NC– After pulling up to the bus stop for his next group of passengers, new Green Route AppalCart driver, Luke Marshall, reportedly came across a crowd of surprised faces that turned disappointed. Many confirmed that the new driver lacked the same spark as his predecessor, Phil. “Fuck it, I’m saying it. Luke is too soft,” said frequent bus passenger[Read More…]

February 22, 2017 Student-Life
Students React To Dog As If It’s The Last One Remaining

Students React To Dog As If It’s The Last One Remaining

BOONE, NC– Claiming that this is the cutest fucking dog ever, local students recently reacted to a dog being walked on campus as if it’s the last one remaining. “Puppyyy!” exclaimed sophomore Sarah Weathers as soon as the dog was in her line of sight like there had been a gigantic plague that killed all dogs on Earth except for[Read More…]

February 17, 2017 Local, Student-Life
Grandmother’s Funeral Scheduled For Fucking Weekend

Grandmother’s Funeral Scheduled For Fucking Weekend

BOONE, NC— The devastating news having just traveled from Greensboro to Boone, it now appears that the upcoming funeral for App State Freshman Adriana Roth’s recently deceased grandmother has been scheduled for the fucking weekend. “I couldn’t believe the news when I heard it,” spoke Roth of the devastatingly unfortunate time of the funeral. “I have a biology exam on[Read More…]

February 15, 2017 Local, Student-Life
Guy With Jeep Just Parks Wherever

Guy With Jeep Just Parks Wherever

BOONE, NC– Formal complaints are being filed against a Boone man who reportedly just parks his jeep wherever. Residents of hippie hill were the latest victims as they woke up to a curious sight this morning when local man Trent “Gearshift” Spencer had decided to park his forest green, 2015 Jeep Rubicon at a 70 degree angle on the beloved[Read More…]

February 9, 2017 Local, Student-Life
Little Bit Of Snow A Big Deal In Boone Now Apparently

Little Bit Of Snow A Big Deal In Boone Now Apparently

BOONE, NC– Hoping for just any kind of delay, students at Appalachian State have collectively decided that a little bit of snow is a big deal now, apparently. The light flurry of snow, which is not expected to climb above 1”, has for some reason excited vast portions of the student body. “I’m so fucking pumped,” said freshman Ike Blockfield.[Read More…]

February 9, 2017 Student-Life