Student-Life

Depressed Student Considering Taking Semester Off To Fix Absolutely None Of His Problems

Depressed Student Considering Taking Semester Off To Fix Absolutely None Of His Problems

BOONE, NC— Citing his growing unhappiness and lack of desire to get up in the morning, depressed junior Will Sprague says that he is now considering taking a semester off from college in order to have more time to fix absolutely none of his problems. “School is just getting to me lately, you know?” the student told reporters. “Every day,[Read More…]

November 9, 2017 Student-Life
Introverted Student Unusually Vocal About Minority Crime Statistics

Introverted Student Unusually Vocal About Minority Crime Statistics

BOONE, NC– In an unexpected turn of character, the typically introverted student Peter Langley has become unusually vocal about minority crime statistics. “Up until now, he almost never talked in class,” said classmate Ashley Lopez. “But when our professor started discussing economic theory, he suddenly spouted out this statistic about how apparently 90 percent of violent crimes against black people[Read More…]

October 18, 2017 Student-Life
Presentation Ruined By Deafening Three-Second “Umm…”

Presentation Ruined By Deafening Three-Second “Umm…”

BOONE, NC– An oral presentation by junior psychology student Brett Hardy was apparently derailed after Hardy followed up a small joke with a deafening three-second “Umm…” Hardy, who was presenting on on the development of human communication, stated that he was feeling nervous as the first to present and improvised the joke as a means of easing into the presentation.[Read More…]

September 28, 2017 Student-Life
Report: Either Student In Wrong Class, Or Magna Carta Has A Lot To Do With Culinary Arts

Report: Either Student In Wrong Class, Or Magna Carta Has A Lot To Do With Culinary Arts

BOONE, NC— Growing increasingly frustrated as he continues to write down notes, a visibly confused Appalachian State Sophomore Michael Popecki is now realizing that either he went to the wrong class, or the Magna Carta has far more to do with culinary arts than he had thought. “I’m just completely lost right now,” Popecki said while listening to the class’s[Read More…]

September 19, 2017 Student-Life
Straight Edge Student Uses 4/20 As Yet Another Opportunity To Tell Everyone She Doesn’t Smoke

Straight Edge Student Uses 4/20 As Yet Another Opportunity To Tell Everyone She Doesn’t Smoke

BOONE, NC– Jumping at the opportunity to flaunt her superiority over others, straight edge student Danielle Carmen is making it a point on 4/20 to remind everyone around her that she doesn’t smoke. “Wow, is it really 4/20 already? That’s crazy! I don’t even smoke though,” Carmen said matter-of-factly to the janitor cleaning the LLC’s bathroom, explaining that she always[Read More…]

April 20, 2017 Student-Life, Uncategorized
Student To Celebrate 4/20 By Smoking Even More Weed Than Usual

Student To Celebrate 4/20 By Smoking Even More Weed Than Usual

BOONE, NC– Claiming that he’s been observant of the holiday for almost 3 years now, local student Ron Harton explained that he plans on celebrating 4/20 by smoking even more weed than he usually does. “The day really calls for something a bit more special,” Harton said while sprinkling more than three grams of marijuana into a blunt wrap, which[Read More…]

April 19, 2017 Student-Life
Lil’ Wayne Turns Into Big Wayne Through Contraction Of The Mumps

Lil’ Wayne Turns Into Big Wayne Through Contraction Of The Mumps

BOONE, NC– Admitting that he would never have come to Appalachian State if he knew this disease was floating around the student body, Lil’ Wayne reportedly contracted the mumps at his concert in Boone and will now call himself Big Wayne until further notice. “This shit retarded,” said the swollen rapper as he attempted to walk around his tour bus[Read More…]

April 13, 2017 Sports & Entertainment, Student-Life
Local Student Nods At Homeless Man To Let Him Know He’s Cool

Local Student Nods At Homeless Man To Let Him Know He’s Cool

BOONE, NC– In a stunning display of kindness, local Appalachian State sophomore Camden Mathis nodded at a homeless man while walking down King Street in a classic gesture designed to let the homeless man know he is cool. “It’s the perfect way for me to establish a connection with almost no effort,” said Mathis. “I have to make it clear[Read More…]

March 30, 2017 Local, Student-Life
Kind Professor Waits For Student To Stop Crying Before Letting Him Know Grade Is Final

Kind Professor Waits For Student To Stop Crying Before Letting Him Know Grade Is Final

BOONE, NC– Patiently waiting until all the sounds of muffled crying had subsided, local professor Dr. Steven Hearty informed the now somber student that all grades are final. “I told the whole class that there would be no extra credit, no rounding…nothing,” said Dr. Hearty as the student quietly sat in fetal position on the office couch, informing him that[Read More…]

March 22, 2017 Student-Life
Male Student Dons Best Gym Shorts, Giveaway T-Shirt For Tinder Date

Male Student Dons Best Gym Shorts, Giveaway T-Shirt For Tinder Date

BOONE, NC–Despite not having done laundry since Fall Break, sophomore Wes Leeder has reportedly announced plans to wear not only his cleanest pair of gym shorts, but also his least hole-y promotional giveaway t-shirt to meet his date acquired from the Tinder app. “These gym shorts are from my basketball-team days in tenth grade, but they hold up, man,” said[Read More…]

March 21, 2017 Student-Life