Student-Life

Report: Either Student In Wrong Class, Or Magna Carta Has A Lot To Do With Culinary Arts

Report: Either Student In Wrong Class, Or Magna Carta Has A Lot To Do With Culinary Arts

BOONE, NC— Growing increasingly frustrated as he continues to write down notes, a visibly confused Appalachian State Sophomore Michael Popecki is now realizing that either he went to the wrong class, or the Magna Carta has far more to do with culinary arts than he had thought. “I’m just completely lost right now,” Popecki said while listening to the class’s[Read More…]

September 19, 2017 Student-Life
Straight Edge Student Uses 4/20 As Yet Another Opportunity To Tell Everyone She Doesn’t Smoke

Straight Edge Student Uses 4/20 As Yet Another Opportunity To Tell Everyone She Doesn’t Smoke

BOONE, NC– Jumping at the opportunity to flaunt her superiority over others, straight edge student Danielle Carmen is making it a point on 4/20 to remind everyone around her that she doesn’t smoke. “Wow, is it really 4/20 already? That’s crazy! I don’t even smoke though,” Carmen said matter-of-factly to the janitor cleaning the LLC’s bathroom, explaining that she always[Read More…]

April 20, 2017 Student-Life, Uncategorized
Student To Celebrate 4/20 By Smoking Even More Weed Than Usual

Student To Celebrate 4/20 By Smoking Even More Weed Than Usual

BOONE, NC– Claiming that he’s been observant of the holiday for almost 3 years now, local student Ron Harton explained that he plans on celebrating 4/20 by smoking even more weed than he usually does. “The day really calls for something a bit more special,” Harton said while sprinkling more than three grams of marijuana into a blunt wrap, which[Read More…]

April 19, 2017 Student-Life
Lil’ Wayne Turns Into Big Wayne Through Contraction Of The Mumps

Lil’ Wayne Turns Into Big Wayne Through Contraction Of The Mumps

BOONE, NC– Admitting that he would never have come to Appalachian State if he knew this disease was floating around the student body, Lil’ Wayne reportedly contracted the mumps at his concert in Boone and will now call himself Big Wayne until further notice. “This shit retarded,” said the swollen rapper as he attempted to walk around his tour bus[Read More…]

April 13, 2017 Sports & Entertainment, Student-Life
Local Student Nods At Homeless Man To Let Him Know He’s Cool

Local Student Nods At Homeless Man To Let Him Know He’s Cool

BOONE, NC– In a stunning display of kindness, local Appalachian State sophomore Camden Mathis nodded at a homeless man while walking down King Street in a classic gesture designed to let the homeless man know he is cool. “It’s the perfect way for me to establish a connection with almost no effort,” said Mathis. “I have to make it clear[Read More…]

March 30, 2017 Local, Student-Life
Kind Professor Waits For Student To Stop Crying Before Letting Him Know Grade Is Final

Kind Professor Waits For Student To Stop Crying Before Letting Him Know Grade Is Final

BOONE, NC– Patiently waiting until all the sounds of muffled crying had subsided, local professor Dr. Steven Hearty informed the now somber student that all grades are final. “I told the whole class that there would be no extra credit, no rounding…nothing,” said Dr. Hearty as the student quietly sat in fetal position on the office couch, informing him that[Read More…]

March 22, 2017 Student-Life
Male Student Dons Best Gym Shorts, Giveaway T-Shirt For Tinder Date

Male Student Dons Best Gym Shorts, Giveaway T-Shirt For Tinder Date

BOONE, NC–Despite not having done laundry since Fall Break, sophomore Wes Leeder has reportedly announced plans to wear not only his cleanest pair of gym shorts, but also his least hole-y promotional giveaway t-shirt to meet his date acquired from the Tinder app. “These gym shorts are from my basketball-team days in tenth grade, but they hold up, man,” said[Read More…]

March 21, 2017 Student-Life
Legends Announces Booking Of Paul McCartney’s Left Shoe To Perform Later This Month

Legends Announces Booking Of Paul McCartney’s Left Shoe To Perform Later This Month

BOONE, NC– Hyping it up as one of the biggest bookings of the year, Legends has announced that Paul McCartney’s left shoe will travel to Boone to perform later this month. The size 10 black dress shoe has played at very few select venues in its career, and will soon add Legends to that list. “We’re so excited for it to come,”[Read More…]

March 20, 2017 Sports & Entertainment, Student-Life
Corporate Advertisements Added To Expression Tunnels

Corporate Advertisements Added To Expression Tunnels

BOONE, NC– Claiming that the new additions will only serve to benefit the community, the school board unanimously voted in favor of including corporate advertisements in the App State expression tunnels. “Now students will be able to learn about new and exciting products on their way to class,” said Board of Trustees member George Baldwin, adding that at least a[Read More…]

March 9, 2017 Business, Student-Life
The Standard Planting Flowers To Keep Out The Smell Of Poor

The Standard Planting Flowers To Keep Out The Smell Of Poor

BOONE, NC– Citing a desire to reinforce the differences between those that live in The Standard at Boone and the others, The Standard at Boone confirmed that they are indeed planting a variety of flowers throughout the property to keep out the smell of poor. “This way our residents are not only fiscally superior to this filthy community, but aromatically[Read More…]

March 6, 2017 Business, Student-Life