Sports & Entertainment

Appalachian Offers Nine-Year-Old Slacklining Prodigy Full Scholarship

Appalachian Offers Nine-Year-Old Slacklining Prodigy Full Scholarship

BOONE, NC- Appalachian’s admissions department recently confirmed that 9-year-old slacklining prodigy Jimmy Miller has been offered a full scholarship to attend the university beginning next semester. “After some debate, we decided to go ahead and give little Jimmy the scholarship,” said admissions officer James Tewers. “While he still only reads at a 3rd grade level, his aversion to clothing, lack[Read More…]

November 9, 2015 Sports & Entertainment
Cat Dresses as White Girl for Halloween

Cat Dresses as White Girl for Halloween

October 31, 2015 Sports & Entertainment
Thursday Class Disrupted By Tailgating Chancellor Everts In Back Of Room

Thursday Class Disrupted By Tailgating Chancellor Everts In Back Of Room

    BOONE, NC — Calling the situation “uncomfortable” and “intrusive,” students in a 2 p.m. section of Computer Science II were interrupted Thursday by a drunken Chancellor Everts tailgating in the back of the classroom. Excited to pregame for App State’s game with Georgia Southern, the inebriated Chancellor reportedly stumbled into the room just as students were getting ready[Read More…]

October 22, 2015 Sports & Entertainment, Student-Life
Chancellor Everts Implements Parking On The Moon For Football Games

Chancellor Everts Implements Parking On The Moon For Football Games

  CAPE CANAVERAL, FL — In a compromise called “beneficial for all parties”, Chancellor Everts has recently received permission from NASA to allow parking on the moon for home football games. “We heard the students cries for fair parking during home football games,” Everts wrote in a mass email, “So now every time there is a home game, we will strap[Read More…]

September 22, 2015 Sports & Entertainment, Student-Life
Intramural Basketball Player Just Went Kobe On Some Motherfuckers

Intramural Basketball Player Just Went Kobe On Some Motherfuckers

BOONE, NC — In a heated contest between the Ball Breakers and Duran Durant of the intramural semi-pro basketball league, Breakers’ MVP Chet Jackson made the incredible decision to split the defense and straight up go Kobe on those motherfuckers. This decision by the team’s star player could not have come at a better time for the Breakers, who were[Read More…]

September 22, 2015 Sports & Entertainment
Appalachian State Set to Convert Entire Appalachian Mountain Range into World’s Least-Attended Football Stadium

Appalachian State Set to Convert Entire Appalachian Mountain Range into World’s Least-Attended Football Stadium

  BOONE, NC — In a move that is being lauded for its ingenuity, Appalachian State has announced plans to convert the entire Appalachian Mountain range into the world’s least-attended football stadium. “The decision was made by the board of trustees with Appalachian State’s best interests at heart,” athletic director Doug Gillin explained, “The more resources the school dedicates to[Read More…]

August 31, 2015 Sports & Entertainment
Lebron James Game Day Timeline

Lebron James Game Day Timeline

              7:30 A.M. – Wakes up. 8:02 A.M. – Takes a shower. 8:37 A.M. – Converses with his own reflection in the bathroom mirror. 9:12 A.M. – Goes to the kitchen and eats a bowl of plain oatmeal and discovers that he is entirely out of        raisins, but remains unphased. 10:08 A.M. – Walks confidently into his private home theatre[Read More…]

An Open Letter to Pandora

An Open Letter to Pandora

                Pandora, I think we both know that we’ve been growing apart these past few weeks; and I believe it’s fair to say that you initiated this distance and that I was just responding to your vibes. At first, I tried. I listened to that Red Hot Chili Peppers’ song you suggested and[Read More…]

April 27, 2015 Sports & Entertainment
Marvel Casts Kevin Hart as Next Spider-Man

Marvel Casts Kevin Hart as Next Spider-Man

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Ever since Sony Pictures and Marvel Studios cut a deal to share the Spider-Man franchise back in February, the rumor mill has been working overtime to come up with potential actors for Marvel’s portrayal of the arachnid action hero. Names like Matthew McConaughey, Sylvester Stallone and Johnny Depp took over Internet forums, mostly due to Marvel’s tendency[Read More…]

April 20, 2015 Sports & Entertainment
Kanye West Blames Alter Ego for Kanye West

Kanye West Blames Alter Ego for Kanye West

LOS ANGELES, CA – In a shocking revelation during an interview with Ryan Seacrest, Kanye West revealed Sunday that his alter ego “Kanye West” is responsible for most of the actions which have earned him public scorn in recent months. “I have two people inside me,” West explained, “there is Kanye West, the loving father and husband, and then there[Read More…]

March 16, 2015 Sports & Entertainment