Sports & Entertainment

Lil’ Wayne Turns Into Big Wayne Through Contraction Of The Mumps

Lil’ Wayne Turns Into Big Wayne Through Contraction Of The Mumps

BOONE, NC– Admitting that he would never have come to Appalachian State if he knew this disease was floating around the student body, Lil’ Wayne reportedly contracted the mumps at his concert in Boone and will now call himself Big Wayne until further notice. “This shit retarded,” said the swollen rapper as he attempted to walk around his tour bus[Read More…]

April 13, 2017 Sports & Entertainment, Student-Life
St. Aloysius Gonzaga Summoned To Sit Courtside During Championship Game

St. Aloysius Gonzaga Summoned To Sit Courtside During Championship Game

PHOENIX, AZ– In celebration of Gonzaga’s first appearance in the NCAA men’s basketball championship game, ancient necromancers from the school successfully summoned the spirit of 16th-century Jesuit missionary St. Aloysius Gonzaga, the namesake of the university, to sit courtside during the game. “It was just one of those ‘why not?’ moments,” said resurrector Kelly Fielding. “For such a momentous occasion[Read More…]

April 3, 2017 Sports & Entertainment
Gatorade Forcefully Replaces Athlete’s Blood With Blue Flavor

Gatorade Forcefully Replaces Athlete’s Blood With Blue Flavor

TALLAHASSEE, FL– Breaking new ground in the sports drink advertising market, a recent, nationally aired commercial depicted scientists from Gatorade forcefully replacing Cam Newton’s blood with the blue flavor. “Why are you doing this man? I didn’t sign up for this! Where is my lawyer? Somebody help me!” the 2015 NFL MVP cried as the multiple tubes protruding from his[Read More…]

March 22, 2017 Sports & Entertainment
Legends Announces Booking Of Paul McCartney’s Left Shoe To Perform Later This Month

Legends Announces Booking Of Paul McCartney’s Left Shoe To Perform Later This Month

BOONE, NC– Hyping it up as one of the biggest bookings of the year, Legends has announced that Paul McCartney’s left shoe will travel to Boone to perform later this month. The size 10 black dress shoe has played at very few select venues in its career, and will soon add Legends to that list. “We’re so excited for it to come,”[Read More…]

March 20, 2017 Sports & Entertainment, Student-Life
Rankin Geology Museum To Display Fossilized Cleat From App/Michigan Game

Rankin Geology Museum To Display Fossilized Cleat From App/Michigan Game

BOONE, NC– Reportedly seeking to rejuvenate a football legacy solidified by one-win against a division rival ages ago, Appalachian officials recently unveiled a fossilized cleat from the historic Appalachian/Michigan in the Rankin Geology Museum. The age-old relic, which belonged to Appalachian legend Armanti Edwards,  is currently displayed in a glass case, but there are plans to move it into a[Read More…]

October 4, 2016 Sports & Entertainment, Student-Life
Ginger Guy Starts Working Out Like That’s What Was Wrong

Ginger Guy Starts Working Out Like That’s What Was Wrong

BOONE, NC– After attending the the gym consistently for the past four weeks, witnesses have concluded that sophomore and ginger Gary Platt is working out to improve his appearance despite the fact that he continues to have red hair. “I was on the treadmill when I saw a crimson head raising and lowering on the pull-up bar,” said eyewitness Raina Williams. “I[Read More…]

September 13, 2016 Sports & Entertainment, Student-Life
Feral Yosef Discovered In Appalachian State Nature Preserve

Feral Yosef Discovered In Appalachian State Nature Preserve

BOONE, NC– According to Watauga County Animal Control, a untamed Yosef was discovered by hikers yesterday morning deep in the Appalachian State Nature Preserve. The finding comes as a shock to much of the local zoological community who believed the last known North American Yosef had been domesticated for collegiate use. Standing at an intimidating 6’10”, the Yosef is easily[Read More…]

September 1, 2016 Science, Sports & Entertainment, Student-Life
Local Daredevil To Eat At Waffle House Sober

Local Daredevil To Eat At Waffle House Sober

BOONE, NC– In his most daring feat yet, local thrill-seeker Johnny “Raw” Jackson will attempt to eat a meal at a local Waffle House completely sober. “This is definitely the most dangerous stunt I’ve ever attempted,” said Jackson. “I mean, I’ve been to Waffle House plenty of times before, but all of those times were fueled by rampant bouts of[Read More…]

April 13, 2016 Sports & Entertainment, Student-Life
Die-Hard Tar Heels Basketball Fan in Boone Should Have Tried Harder In School

Die-Hard Tar Heels Basketball Fan in Boone Should Have Tried Harder In School

BOONE, NC — With UNC basketball appearing in the 2016 NCAA Championship game, Appalachian State student Nick Paul was found this weekend having a nervous breakdown in his dorm room, envisioning a life where he didn’t slack off in high school and got good enough grades to attend a college with a relevant basketball program. “When I first got turned[Read More…]

April 5, 2016 Sports & Entertainment
6 Awesome Bands You Definitely Need to Check Out

6 Awesome Bands You Definitely Need to Check Out

1.) Mikrowelle Scheiße: This German band is making waves for bringing back classic dungeon trap-techno music thanks to their eccentric frontman, who has been described as a combination of Freddie Mercury and John Wayne. 2.) Attack of the 6-Foot-Pelvis: Often praised as the pioneers of the original post-anamanaguchi subgenre, 6-Foot-Pelvis combines sriracha-dipped vocals with the audacity of a lion in heat.[Read More…]

November 30, 2015 Sports & Entertainment, Things To Know