Science

Evolution Excited To Dish Out Some Really Sweet Climate Change Adaptations

Evolution Excited To Dish Out Some Really Sweet Climate Change Adaptations

EARTH– Just imagining all the possible variations that could come to be thanks to the ignorance of humans, evolution is reportedly excited to dish out some really sweet climate change adaptations to the fledgling wildlife. “Oh man, the last time I got to fuck around like this I made dinosaurs,” the Darwinistic ideal recalled, explaining that he hasn’t had this[Read More…]

March 23, 2017 Science
Snobby Dolphin Only Eats Designer Plastic Bags

Snobby Dolphin Only Eats Designer Plastic Bags

Fernandina Beach, Florida– Citing the abnormality of finding an aquatic mammal with such specific taste, marine biologist Stacey Fredrickson has observed a snobby dolphin that only eats designer plastic bags. “I’ve never seen an animal display such a keen awareness of the pollution around him,” said Fredrickson, recalling how she has observed more than one occasion of the highly intelligent[Read More…]

February 27, 2017 Local, Science
Study: Walker Hall 14 Degrees Warmer Than Active Volcano

Study: Walker Hall 14 Degrees Warmer Than Active Volcano

Boone, NC– After a painstaking two year investigation, meteorologist Debra Jillings’ findings have revealed that Walker Hall is 14 degrees warmer than the average active volcano. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” Jillings said. “I just cannot believe this hasn’t been addressed already. I’m not even sure how these kids are upright and walking.” “Why is nobody more concerned about[Read More…]

October 3, 2016 Science, Student-Life
Study Links All Fraternity Brothers To One Douchey Ancestor

Study Links All Fraternity Brothers To One Douchey Ancestor

BOONE, NC– A recent study published in Archaeology Magazine has confirmed the long-held consensus among the scientific community that all fraternity brothers are descendants of one really douchey ancestor. The ancestor, who the authors of the paper dubbed “Brad,” reportedly lived more than 45,000 years ago with some of his closest friends. “It’s truly astonishing that we found a genetic[Read More…]

September 8, 2016 Science, Student-Life
Feral Yosef Discovered In Appalachian State Nature Preserve

Feral Yosef Discovered In Appalachian State Nature Preserve

BOONE, NC– According to Watauga County Animal Control, a untamed Yosef was discovered by hikers yesterday morning deep in the Appalachian State Nature Preserve. The finding comes as a shock to much of the local zoological community who believed the last known North American Yosef had been domesticated for collegiate use. Standing at an intimidating 6’10”, the Yosef is easily[Read More…]

September 1, 2016 Science, Sports & Entertainment, Student-Life
Joint Fraternity Observation Project Scheduled Between Biology, Anthropology Department

Joint Fraternity Observation Project Scheduled Between Biology, Anthropology Department

BOONE, NC —  In what experts are calling a ‘groundbreaking collaboration,’ biology and anthropology students worked together last weekend to document the tendencies of Homo fraternums, more commonly known as the ‘frat star.’ “This is the first comprehensive study of the Homo fraternums and its related species,” said anthropology Professor Dr. David Jameson. “It is rare for universities to allow[Read More…]

April 12, 2016 Science
Environmentally Conscious Campus Makes Sure To Cover Sidewalks With “Green” Salt

Environmentally Conscious Campus Makes Sure To Cover Sidewalks With “Green” Salt

BOONE, NC — Displaying uncommon solidarity with the ecosystem, Appalachian State University has made a concerted effort to use heavy coatings of literal green salt in lieu of white salt on campus sidewalks and roads during inclement weather in an effort to spread environmental awareness. “I’m glad someone finally noticed,” said Chancellor Sheri Everts when asked about the green salt. “It’s[Read More…]

February 17, 2016 Science, Student-Life
Colorblind Man Undergoes Corrective Surgery, Becomes Racist

Colorblind Man Undergoes Corrective Surgery, Becomes Racist

BOONE, NC — Reports indicated that local color-blind man Anthony Thomas, who recently underwent a new ground-breaking corrective ocular surgery to fix his color blindness, is now a blatant, unmitigated racist. “I always considered myself to be a very progressive man, but ever since the surgery, it’s like I can see the inferiority in other races,” Thomas told press this[Read More…]

February 3, 2016 Science
Extensive Study By Sociology Department Finds Tom To Be A Dick

Extensive Study By Sociology Department Finds Tom To Be A Dick

BOONE, NC – Following a period of deliberation and thorough examination, App State’s Sociology Department revealed Friday that Tom is a gargantuan dick. According to Susan Corrigan, department chair and head of the research team responsible for asserting the 24-year-old’s jerkish character, Tom’s douchebaggery is unrivaled by anyone on campus. “We’ve performed a variety of specialized studies on Tom, and[Read More…]

April 27, 2015 Science