Politics

Student Exclusively Purchases French Dip From McAlister’s In Solidarity With France

Student Exclusively Purchases French Dip From McAlister’s In Solidarity With France

Boone, NC–In the days following the tragic  attacks in Paris, sophomore Alvin Barris has announced his plans to order a McAlister’s French Dip every day in support of the embattled nation. “I just wanted to help in any way I could,” said Barris. “I couldn’t figure out how to put the French flag over my profile picture, so I decided[Read More…]

November 24, 2015 Business, Politics
Pat McCrory Denies Starving Campers Entry Into Krispy Kreme

Pat McCrory Denies Starving Campers Entry Into Krispy Kreme

BOONE, NC — Calling the decision “a simple matter of security,” Governor Pat McCrory announced plans Monday to deny those camping in front of the Boone Krispy Kreme entry into the newly-opened donut bakery. “I empathize with these people out here in the cold,” said McCrory, gesturing to the small shanty-town of tents erected outside the building. “But we’ve all[Read More…]

November 17, 2015 Business, Politics
Anderson Cooper Now Leading Democratic Candidate After Strong Debate Showing

Anderson Cooper Now Leading Democratic Candidate After Strong Debate Showing

  LAS VEGAS, NV — Marking a landslide shift in American politics, sources confirmed Wednesday that CNN anchor Anderson Cooper is now the leading candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination following his strong showing at Tuesday night’s debate. Showing confidence, poise, and a willingness to stand his ground, Cooper blasted past frontrunners Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders literally overnight, with[Read More…]

October 14, 2015 Politics
Lovill Resident Sure He Could Fit A Good 20 Refugees In His Room If It Came To That Point

Lovill Resident Sure He Could Fit A Good 20 Refugees In His Room If It Came To That Point

BOONE, NC — Wanting to make a difference amidst the recent news of the Syrian refugee crisis, freshman Vinnie Clayton of Lovill Hall told reporters today that he was sure he could probably fit a good twenty or so refugees inside of his dorm room if it really got to a point where that would actually be helpful. The concerned[Read More…]

September 14, 2015 Politics, Student-Life
Donald Trump Comments on Boone Tourism

Donald Trump Comments on Boone Tourism

August 21, 2015 Politics, Student-Life
7 Long-Dead Religious Practices You Can Bring Back Under Indiana’s Religious Freedom Act

7 Long-Dead Religious Practices You Can Bring Back Under Indiana’s Religious Freedom Act

1. Marrying multiple women– Ever fall in love with another woman while you’re already married? Don’t worry! You can marry as many women as you want now because your religion is now protected! 2. Forced Marriages– Kidnap a woman who has rejected your advances and bring her to church. Now she’s bound to you forever unless you grant her permission[Read More…]

April 8, 2015 Politics
Disheveled Edward Snowden Caught Selling Local Government Secrets Behind Boone Wendy’s

Disheveled Edward Snowden Caught Selling Local Government Secrets Behind Boone Wendy’s

BOONE, NC – Defying all previously held beliefs regarding his whereabouts, authorities discovered an unkempt Edward Snowden selling local government secrets behind the Boone area Wendy’s Sunday night. “I was walking to my car after dinner with my wife when he comes out of the bushes whispering ‘Boone gov secrets. Dirt cheap,’ said Boone resident Mark Travers, who reported the[Read More…]

March 23, 2015 Politics
Federal Government Subsidizes Genetically Engineered Gays for Population Control

Federal Government Subsidizes Genetically Engineered Gays for Population Control

WASHINGTON D.C.- The events that occurred on Capitol Hill earlier today will undoubtedly be remembered in history textbooks for ages to come. A new bill designed to address the pressing national overpopulation issue was unanimously passed in both the Senate and House of Representatives. The bill calls for the installation of a program that will utilize modern scientific breakthroughs to[Read More…]

February 23, 2015 Politics
Bush Front Runner For Presidential Candidacy

Bush Front Runner For Presidential Candidacy

WASHINGTON D.C. – Amidst the speculation that Jeb Bush is eyeing a presidential bid, another notable Bush has announced her intention to run for president, that bush being a Ilex paraguariensis. Ilex paraguariensis, more commonly known as Holly, is a genus of 400 to 600 species of flowering plants in the family Aquifoliaceae, and the only living genus in that[Read More…]

February 23, 2015 Politics
NC Teacher’s Union Celebrates Substantial Pay Increase With Extravagant Evening At Long John Silvers

NC Teacher’s Union Celebrates Substantial Pay Increase With Extravagant Evening At Long John Silvers

RALEIGH, NC – Thoroughly reveling in the monetary spoils of their recent lobbying efforts which ultimately led to a 5.5% statewide increase in teachers salaries plus longevity, members of the North Carolina Association of Educators celebrated with a lavish dinner at a Raleigh area Long John Silver’s Friday night, sources confirmed. After scrutinizing various Yelp reviews, examining the menu in[Read More…]

December 1, 2014 Business, Politics