Politics

ISIS Claims Responsibility For Student Tripping On Sidewalk

ISIS Claims Responsibility For Student Tripping On Sidewalk

BOONE, NC — Noted terror organization ISIS released a statement early this morning claiming full responsibility for App State student Dennis Fayhee tripping on the sidewalk near Walker Hall yesterday afternoon. In an official press release from the group, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has explained that this terror attack was indeed the promised swift retaliation for recent U.S. drone[Read More…]

October 10, 2016 Politics, Student-Life
Not Nearly Enough Room At Free Speech Protest For Student To Draw Decent-Sized Swastika

Not Nearly Enough Room At Free Speech Protest For Student To Draw Decent-Sized Swastika

BOONE, NC– Explaining that he needs at least an empty 15 feet of canvas to work with, local student Craig Adams IV lamented that the chalking protest being held in front of Sanford Mall by Young Americans For Liberty does not give him nearly enough room to draw an adequately-sized swastika. “I feel a little let down, if I’m being[Read More…]

October 6, 2016 Politics, Student-Life
Local Bigots Boycott Place They Think Target Should Be Built

Local Bigots Boycott Place They Think Target Should Be Built

BOONE, NC–In opposition of Target’s trans-friendly corporate policy, a group of indignant bigots in Boone have decided to boycott and protest the 17-acre patch of fenced-in, mostly concrete land on Meadowview Drive where they think the store should be built. Although no studies have shown that trans people pose a threat to others near enclosed, concrete slabs, the enraged boycotters[Read More…]

May 1, 2016 Business, Politics
Campus Beepers Form Union

Campus Beepers Form Union

BOONE, NC– Citing an uptick in mistreatment of student beepers, a beeper union has been formed to ensure that they don’t have their rights as an American Worker encroached upon. While terms are still being negotiated, newly elected union president Scott Ganaway promised that from this point onward, all beepers will be ensured a fair healthcare and dental plan. Ganaway[Read More…]

April 22, 2016 Business, Politics, Student-Life
Pat McCrory Issues Executive Decision to Stop Hitting Transgender Woman in the Face

Pat McCrory Issues Executive Decision to Stop Hitting Transgender Woman in the Face

RALEIGH, N.C.– Following weeks of withering criticism over the discriminatory House Bill #2, Governor Pat McCrory issued a statement Tuesday announcing that he plans to cease punching transgender woman Jill Connors in the face. McCrory began repeatedly hitting Connors in the face immediately after the 32-0 HB2 vote, saying that his prolonged assault represented a “simple solution to a complex[Read More…]

April 14, 2016 Politics, World & U.S.
Transgender Students Just Gonna Shit Wherever Now

Transgender Students Just Gonna Shit Wherever Now

BOONE, NC– Following the passing of  House Bill 2 in North Carolina, many Appalachian State students, both transgender and not, have announced plans to begin relieving themselves wherever they please. Due to the massive outbreak of civil and bowel unrest in the transgender population, Sanford Mall and a multitude of other public spaces around campus have become popular places to[Read More…]

April 11, 2016 Local, Politics, Student-Life
Koch Brothers To Funnel Millions Of Dollars Into SGA Elections

Koch Brothers To Funnel Millions Of Dollars Into SGA Elections

BOONE, NC — In what analysts are calling yet another example of campaign finance corruption, billionaire businessmen Charles and David Koch announced plans Wednesday to begin pouring millions of dollars into the ongoing Appalachian State student body presidential election. Through a series of shady, closed-door deals and campaign contributions, the Koch brothers intend to use their wealth to gain control of the[Read More…]

March 16, 2016 Politics, Student-Life
New GOP Proposal to Move Student Voting Site to End of Appalachian Trail

New GOP Proposal to Move Student Voting Site to End of Appalachian Trail

MOUNT KATAHDIN, ME — In spite of a recently-passed measure that granted Appalachian State University students an on-campus voting site, Republican members of the Watauga Board of Elections have amended the bill, relocating the site to the northern endpoint of the Appalachian Trail in Maine. The proposed amendment, when passed, will require potential voters to hike the 1800 miles from[Read More…]

March 4, 2016 Politics
8 Nasty Put-Downs Bernie Sanders Should Use in The Next Debate

8 Nasty Put-Downs Bernie Sanders Should Use in The Next Debate

Bern 1: “Hey Hillary, did you leave the oven on? Because I think something is Berning.” Bern 2: “Hey Hillary, what’s your favorite kind of dog? Mine is a St. Bern-ard.” Bern 3: “Hey Hillary, I heard you’ve travelled to Switzerland before. Did you get a chance to visit their capital? You know, Bern?” Bern 4: “Hey Hillary, what’s your[Read More…]

February 12, 2016 Politics
Hillary Clinton Pauses Mid-Speech To Acknowledge Message From Corporate Sponsor

Hillary Clinton Pauses Mid-Speech To Acknowledge Message From Corporate Sponsor

HOOKSETT, NH – After stressing her devotion to overturning Citizens United and ensuring that unaccountable money is cast from the political system, Hillary Clinton paused during a speech at Hooksett Town Hall on Monday to allow for a brief, 30-second message from her AT&T sponsors. “Big money is corrupting American politics. It is time we make certain that average voters have[Read More…]

February 10, 2016 Business, Politics