Politics

Tired Melania Trump Reminds Donald That The Shirt’s Big Hole Is For The Head

Tired Melania Trump Reminds Donald That The Shirt’s Big Hole Is For The Head

WASHINGTON, D.C.– Attempting to aid the President of the United States in putting on today’s clothing, a tired Melania Trump reminded Donald that ‘the shirt’s big hole is for the head.’ “He always forgets and puts his arm in head area. Sometimes he puts his foot in it,” the worn-out first lady sighed, explaining that she considers any day that[Read More…]

April 21, 2017 Politics
President Trump Deploys Kendall Jenner To Ease Syrian Tensions

President Trump Deploys Kendall Jenner To Ease Syrian Tensions

MAR-A-LAGO, FL— Having been assured by Secretary of Defense James Mattis that no better options remained on the table, last night President Donald Trump officially deployed television celebrity Kendall Jenner to Syria in a last-ditch effort to dissolve tensions between Bashar al-Assad and the nation’s citizens. “This is not the ideal option, I know, but there was no ideal option[Read More…]

April 7, 2017 Politics
Deranged Paul Ryan Announces Bomb Strapped To His Chest Will Detonate If House Doesn’t Vote On Healthcare Bill Within Next Thirty Seconds

Deranged Paul Ryan Announces Bomb Strapped To His Chest Will Detonate If House Doesn’t Vote On Healthcare Bill Within Next Thirty Seconds

WASHINGTON, DC– Having sensed that nothing good will come of rational discussion, a deranged Speaker of the House Paul Ryan burst onto the House floor with a bomb strapped to his chest that “will explode in thirty fucking seconds” if he doesn’t get an immediate vote on the Republicans’ health care bill. “Look, Trump wants a vote, and I’m gonna[Read More…]

March 24, 2017 Politics
Social Justice Warriors Establish Inclusive Space To Exclude Non-Oppressed Students

Social Justice Warriors Establish Inclusive Space To Exclude Non-Oppressed Students

BOONE, NC– Due to an uptick in progressive attitudes throughout campus in recent years, local social justice warriors have felt pressure to implement a safe-space to specifically exclude cisgendered, heterosexual, white allies. The safe space is named after a local social justice legend, Trisha Prince, who reportedly harassed a cisgender, heterosexual white woman on Facebook who had shared an article[Read More…]

February 7, 2017 Politics, Student-Life
Student Switches To Art Major Because Trump Is President, Anything Is Possible, Fuck You

Student Switches To Art Major Because Trump Is President, Anything Is Possible, Fuck You

BOONE, NC— Finally deciding to live out his dream, App State sophomore Ryan Seaton says that he will be switching his major to art, from accounting, because Trump is now the president, absolutely nothing is impossible at this point, so who the fuck even cares? “Yeah, for a while, I was like, why would I want to have such a[Read More…]

January 23, 2017 Politics, Student-Life
Closeted Student Finally Comfortable Enough To Come Out As Neo-Nazi

Closeted Student Finally Comfortable Enough To Come Out As Neo-Nazi

BOONE, NC– Crediting Donald Trump’s victory for giving him the bravery to share his true self, local student Chris Lemmings has decided to come out of the closet and reveal to the world that he is a proud neo-nazi. “I’ve just always assumed that nobody would accept me for who I am. I’ve never been ashamed, I just didn’t want[Read More…]

November 11, 2016 Local, Politics, Student-Life
Trump Announces Plans to Build Bigger, More Tremendous Glass Ceiling

Trump Announces Plans to Build Bigger, More Tremendous Glass Ceiling

Washington D.C.– Following his shocking upset victory over Hillary Clinton, President-elect Donald Trump announced Wednesday that his first act in office will be overseeing the construction of a bigger, more tremendous glass ceiling over the entire country. Speaking to campaign donors from the Trump Tower lobby in New York, Trump unveiled his plans for the ceiling, which will hover two[Read More…]

November 9, 2016 Politics
Thick Smog Covering Boone Sign From God That The End Is Nigh

Thick Smog Covering Boone Sign From God That The End Is Nigh

BOONE, NC– As the Presidential election nears its conclusion, a thick smog had settled over Boone, which can be assumed to be a sign from God that the end is nigh. With the choices for president being Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump, Gary Johnson, and Jill Stein, voters are glad to finally see a veiled message from the Almighty Creator signifying[Read More…]

November 8, 2016 Politics
Student Voting Trump Because He Can’t Understand Foreign Professor

Student Voting Trump Because He Can’t Understand Foreign Professor

BOONE, NC– In a recent interview, formally undecided voter Dustin Harvey revealed that he has chosen to vote for Donald Trump in today’s election solely because Harvey cannot understand his foreign Vietnamese philosophy professor. “People always tell you to vote for the issues that affect you most, and my inability to understand a word my professor says is that key[Read More…]

November 8, 2016 Politics, Student-Life
Help! We Accidentally Just Endorsed Gary Johnson For President And We Don’t Know How To Undo it!

Help! We Accidentally Just Endorsed Gary Johnson For President And We Don’t Know How To Undo it!

Okay, so… This might sound a bit strange. But it seems that we here at the Rotten Appal just accidentally endorsed Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson for president, and now we don’t really know how to undo it. Please, understand that this is all just one unfortunate mishap. We of course are all human, and humans make mistakes. And, I guess,[Read More…]

November 2, 2016 Politics