Local

Man Just Wants to Go One Day Without a Bunch of Bullshit

Man Just Wants to Go One Day Without a Bunch of Bullshit

BOONE, NC — Tired and worn down by a seemingly endless series of frustrating obstacles in his life, local man Frank Holloway told reporters Thursday that he would really enjoy going one goddamn day without a bunch of bullshit popping up. According to Holloway, even just a few consecutive hours without some kind of fucking crisis would do wonders for[Read More…]

September 14, 2015 Local
Police Officer Assaults Local Black Person for Publicity

Police Officer Assaults Local Black Person for Publicity

BOONE, NC – After watching multiple police officers receive national attention for abusing their authority, local police officer Timothy Preston violently assaulted unarmed black school teacher and father of three, Steve Williams, in order to achieve a similar level of fame. “I’m not racist or anything,” Preston could be seen saying in the dash cam video as he violently beat[Read More…]

August 24, 2015 Local, World & U.S.
Terrible Person Diagnosed with Cancer

Terrible Person Diagnosed with Cancer

BOONE, NC – In news that has left the community in a state of shock and disbelief, but not quite sadness, Boone local and generally awful person Richard Johnson was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer and given a few weeks to live. Johnson, a 4th generation Boone local, has always made his presence felt in the community, whether he was[Read More…]

August 24, 2015 Local, World & U.S.
Weird Fuck Takes Middle Urinal

Weird Fuck Takes Middle Urinal

BOONE, NC – Rejecting any natural inclinations towards human decency and civility, sophomore and unbelievably weird fuck, Jay Simpson, took the center urinal with resolution from a row of three at a bathroom in Belk Library Saturday. “I don’t suspect this should be too big of an issue,” whispered the total wacko under his breath before using the urinal, “Boy,[Read More…]

April 13, 2015 Local
Adoption Agencies Turn Away Shitty Kid

Adoption Agencies Turn Away Shitty Kid

RALEIGH, NC – Sam and Carol Brenson recently put out an advertisement in the newspaper begging anyone to adopt their son Chet after every adoption agency in the country turned away their shitty kid. The parents admitted to realizing that they didn’t want to raise Chet anymore when he was as young as four. “That was the first time he[Read More…]

February 16, 2015 Business, Local

White Activist Sues ‘Racist’ School Over Fried Chicken Fridays

BOONE, NC – Student activist and all-around good person Cassie Johnson has recently filed a lawsuit worth up to $6 million against Martin Luther King Jr. High School citing “blatant racial intolerance and discrimination” for allegedly serving fried chicken every Friday. Johnson, a white, suburban female decided to sue after campaigning mercilessly for “at least two weeks” trying to get[Read More…]

October 13, 2014 Local
Local Atheist Finds Image Of Nothing In Toast

Local Atheist Finds Image Of Nothing In Toast

BOONE, NC – It is being called the miracle on Blowing Rock Road.  Twenty-two year old philosophy major Noah Lott was brought to his knees this past Saturday when he discovered an ominous message in his morning breakfast. “I had just gotten up from a night out drinking with my friends,” Lott said. “Then I went to put a couple[Read More…]

September 22, 2014 Local

Parents To Let Their Kid Believe In A Higher Power For A Few More Years

MENTOR, OH – A local couple has boldly stated that they plan on allowing their son Brady, age 8, to continue his childlike belief in a higher power for a few more years. “It’s not like this is unusual for a child of his age,” said the father to reporters. “I could always tell that Brady was going to be[Read More…]

March 25, 2014 Local