Local

Cops Ignore Noise Complaint After Party Found To Be Awesome

Cops Ignore Noise Complaint After Party Found To Be Awesome

BOONE, NC — Noting that the festivities weren’t able to be contained indoors, local cops Bernie Fredericks and Frank Lester recently ignored a neighbor’s noise complaint about a party after stopping by and realizing that it was awesome. “We couldn’t put an end to something so gnarly,” Fredericks said. “I mean, there were girls standing on the roof just flashing[Read More…]

November 11, 2015 Local, Student-Life
Fuck, Costume Party Has Theme

Fuck, Costume Party Has Theme

  BOONE, NC — Groaning in anguish after reading the Facebook event description, sophomore Gavin Schubert has noted that, fuck, this upcoming Halloween costume party has a theme. “Well that’s just fucking great,” the agitated student remarked, as all of his excitement towards attending the party quickly evaporated. “And I had such a great costume planned, too! But now I[Read More…]

October 30, 2015 Local
Speed Of Windshield Wipers Now The Last Aspect Of Control In Man’s Life

Speed Of Windshield Wipers Now The Last Aspect Of Control In Man’s Life

  FOSCOE, NC — Area resident Robert Helms has come to the realization that the speed of his windshield wipers in relation to how hard it is raining is now the only aspect of his life in which he has any control whatsoever. Helms, 42, made the discovery Tuesday on his way home from his data entry job. “I was[Read More…]

October 13, 2015 Local
Photo by Scott Penner @2010

“Underground” Band Actually Just Awful

  BANNER ELK, NC — According to local sources, Junior Aidan Burton’s folk-pop-r&b-fusion band, Summer Rains in the Winter of Our Discontent, has played fifteen shows on and around campus to which not a single person has ever attended. “He never shuts up about it,” James Crichton, a senior in Burton’s remedial music theory class, said. “He goes on and[Read More…]

October 6, 2015 Local
Salad Prolongs Essentially Meaningless Life Another Half Hour

Salad Prolongs Essentially Meaningless Life Another Half Hour

BOONE, NC — In a move already being referred to as “cute, but useless,” a salad eaten by junior Eric Richards has succeeded in dragging out his ultimately meaningless life by around half an hour. By consuming the healthy meal, sources estimate that Richards has managed to extend his dry, vapid existence just long enough to catch the end of[Read More…]

September 28, 2015 Local
Man Just Wants to Go One Day Without a Bunch of Bullshit

Man Just Wants to Go One Day Without a Bunch of Bullshit

BOONE, NC — Tired and worn down by a seemingly endless series of frustrating obstacles in his life, local man Frank Holloway told reporters Thursday that he would really enjoy going one goddamn day without a bunch of bullshit popping up. According to Holloway, even just a few consecutive hours without some kind of fucking crisis would do wonders for[Read More…]

September 14, 2015 Local
Police Officer Assaults Local Black Person for Publicity

Police Officer Assaults Local Black Person for Publicity

BOONE, NC – After watching multiple police officers receive national attention for abusing their authority, local police officer Timothy Preston violently assaulted unarmed black school teacher and father of three, Steve Williams, in order to achieve a similar level of fame. “I’m not racist or anything,” Preston could be seen saying in the dash cam video as he violently beat[Read More…]

August 24, 2015 Local, World & U.S.
Terrible Person Diagnosed with Cancer

Terrible Person Diagnosed with Cancer

BOONE, NC – In news that has left the community in a state of shock and disbelief, but not quite sadness, Boone local and generally awful person Richard Johnson was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer and given a few weeks to live. Johnson, a 4th generation Boone local, has always made his presence felt in the community, whether he was[Read More…]

August 24, 2015 Local, World & U.S.
Weird Fuck Takes Middle Urinal

Weird Fuck Takes Middle Urinal

BOONE, NC – Rejecting any natural inclinations towards human decency and civility, sophomore and unbelievably weird fuck, Jay Simpson, took the center urinal with resolution from a row of three at a bathroom in Belk Library Saturday. “I don’t suspect this should be too big of an issue,” whispered the total wacko under his breath before using the urinal, “Boy,[Read More…]

April 13, 2015 Local
Adoption Agencies Turn Away Shitty Kid

Adoption Agencies Turn Away Shitty Kid

RALEIGH, NC – Sam and Carol Brenson recently put out an advertisement in the newspaper begging anyone to adopt their son Chet after every adoption agency in the country turned away their shitty kid. The parents admitted to realizing that they didn’t want to raise Chet anymore when he was as young as four. “That was the first time he[Read More…]

February 16, 2015 Business, Local