Local

Transgender Students Just Gonna Shit Wherever Now

Transgender Students Just Gonna Shit Wherever Now

BOONE, NC– Following the passing of  House Bill 2 in North Carolina, many Appalachian State students, both transgender and not, have announced plans to begin relieving themselves wherever they please. Due to the massive outbreak of civil and bowel unrest in the transgender population, Sanford Mall and a multitude of other public spaces around campus have become popular places to[Read More…]

April 11, 2016 Local, Politics, Student-Life
Culturally Insensitive Student Wears Green on Racist Holiday

Culturally Insensitive Student Wears Green on Racist Holiday

BOONE, NC — In a horrific display of cultural appropriation, ASU student Mark Schwartz was seen in class blatantly stereotyping an entire race Thursday morning by wearing a green t-shirt. The offending garment, printed with the phrase “Kiss Me I’m Irish”, spurred campus-wide protests. “It’s St. Paddy’s Day!” the culturally ignorant prick told reporters as he pinched passersby that weren’t[Read More…]

March 17, 2016 Local, Student-Life
Taking Shower Near Spider Most Intimate Student Has Been In A While

Taking Shower Near Spider Most Intimate Student Has Been In A While

BOONE, NC — Amidst his longest dry spell yet, Hank Frederickson, a junior, recently admitted that taking a shower with a spider in the bathroom is the closest thing to intimacy he’s had in six months. “I was in the middle of showering and I saw this little guy in the corner,” Frederickson said, gesturing towards his eight-legged love interest.[Read More…]

February 16, 2016 Local
Handicapped Douchebag Uses Non-Handicapped Bathroom Stall

Handicapped Douchebag Uses Non-Handicapped Bathroom Stall

BOONE, NC — Recent reports coming out of Belk Hall have confirmed that local handicapped man and apparent douchebag Brandon Anderson was identified leaving a non-handicapped designated toilet stall at approximately 10:52 AM Thursday morning. “It really pissed me off,” eyewitness Robert Palmer said. “Regular stalls are for regular people. Period.” Anderson, who has been confined to a wheelchair since age five,[Read More…]

January 28, 2016 Local
Cops Ignore Noise Complaint After Party Found To Be Awesome

Cops Ignore Noise Complaint After Party Found To Be Awesome

BOONE, NC — Noting that the festivities weren’t able to be contained indoors, local cops Bernie Fredericks and Frank Lester recently ignored a neighbor’s noise complaint about a party after stopping by and realizing that it was awesome. “We couldn’t put an end to something so gnarly,” Fredericks said. “I mean, there were girls standing on the roof just flashing[Read More…]

November 11, 2015 Local, Student-Life
Fuck, Costume Party Has Theme

Fuck, Costume Party Has Theme

  BOONE, NC — Groaning in anguish after reading the Facebook event description, sophomore Gavin Schubert has noted that, fuck, this upcoming Halloween costume party has a theme. “Well that’s just fucking great,” the agitated student remarked, as all of his excitement towards attending the party quickly evaporated. “And I had such a great costume planned, too! But now I[Read More…]

October 30, 2015 Local
Speed Of Windshield Wipers Now The Last Aspect Of Control In Man’s Life

Speed Of Windshield Wipers Now The Last Aspect Of Control In Man’s Life

  FOSCOE, NC — Area resident Robert Helms has come to the realization that the speed of his windshield wipers in relation to how hard it is raining is now the only aspect of his life in which he has any control whatsoever. Helms, 42, made the discovery Tuesday on his way home from his data entry job. “I was[Read More…]

October 13, 2015 Local
Photo by Scott Penner @2010

“Underground” Band Actually Just Awful

  BANNER ELK, NC — According to local sources, Junior Aidan Burton’s folk-pop-r&b-fusion band, Summer Rains in the Winter of Our Discontent, has played fifteen shows on and around campus to which not a single person has ever attended. “He never shuts up about it,” James Crichton, a senior in Burton’s remedial music theory class, said. “He goes on and[Read More…]

October 6, 2015 Local
Salad Prolongs Essentially Meaningless Life Another Half Hour

Salad Prolongs Essentially Meaningless Life Another Half Hour

BOONE, NC — In a move already being referred to as “cute, but useless,” a salad eaten by junior Eric Richards has succeeded in dragging out his ultimately meaningless life by around half an hour. By consuming the healthy meal, sources estimate that Richards has managed to extend his dry, vapid existence just long enough to catch the end of[Read More…]

September 28, 2015 Local
Man Just Wants to Go One Day Without a Bunch of Bullshit

Man Just Wants to Go One Day Without a Bunch of Bullshit

BOONE, NC — Tired and worn down by a seemingly endless series of frustrating obstacles in his life, local man Frank Holloway told reporters Thursday that he would really enjoy going one goddamn day without a bunch of bullshit popping up. According to Holloway, even just a few consecutive hours without some kind of fucking crisis would do wonders for[Read More…]

September 14, 2015 Local