Local

Closeted Student Finally Comfortable Enough To Come Out As Neo-Nazi

Closeted Student Finally Comfortable Enough To Come Out As Neo-Nazi

BOONE, NC– Crediting Donald Trump’s victory for giving him the bravery to share his true self, local student Chris Lemmings has decided to come out of the closet and reveal to the world that he is a proud neo-nazi. “I’ve just always assumed that nobody would accept me for who I am. I’ve never been ashamed, I just didn’t want[Read More…]

November 11, 2016 Local, Politics, Student-Life
Report: Grandfather Died Just In Time To Make Perfect Haunted House Grand Finale

Report: Grandfather Died Just In Time To Make Perfect Haunted House Grand Finale

BOONE, NC— Noting that the timing could not have been better, Boone resident Todd Pruett explained that his grandfather died at just the right time to make the perfect grand finale at his haunted house. “I mean, it was just the news I needed to hear,” Pruett explained as he rearranged the house’s set to accommodate for the changes. “I[Read More…]

October 31, 2016 Local
Student Can’t Wait To Introduce Parents To Casual Fuck Buddy

Student Can’t Wait To Introduce Parents To Casual Fuck Buddy

BOONE, NC– According to reports, local Freshman Stan Fuston has been holding back excitement all week for when he will be taking fellow freshman Hannah Bern, a woman he has had intercourse with only twice, out to dinner with his parents this weekend.  “Finally I can show off to my parents that a female is capable of tolerating me,” said[Read More…]

October 20, 2016 Local, Student-Life
Two Bros Share Tender Moment While Taking Pizza Out Of Oven

Two Bros Share Tender Moment While Taking Pizza Out Of Oven

BOONE, NC– A tender scene developed last Saturday as bros Jason Fletcher and Mike Trenton reportedly brushed hands and locked eyes as they cooperated in an effort to take a pizza out of the oven. “It nearly slipped out of our hands as it came out of the oven so we both quickly grabbed the bottom and our hands met,”[Read More…]

September 12, 2016 Local, Student-Life
Desperate College Graduate Applies to Lemonade Stand

Desperate College Graduate Applies to Lemonade Stand

Boone, NC– Hoping to jumpstart her career in sales, local graduate Jessica Garnett was seen putting in an application to the 2nd-grade founder of a local successful juice business. The graduate, who finished in the top 25% of her graduating business class, turned to the homegrown establishment after being rejected by every job she applied for. “It was around the[Read More…]

May 23, 2016 Business, Local, Student-Life
Really Bad Campus A Capella Group Humanity’s Final Straw

Really Bad Campus A Capella Group Humanity’s Final Straw

  BOONE, NC– Reports coming out of heaven have confirmed that the performance of Appalachian State’s co-ed a capella group, Southern Lights, was the deciding factor in God’s decision to bring about the end of days. “Man, they were doing alright there for a little bit,” sighed the Almighty Creator, “but then it just kinda fell off the rails. It[Read More…]

April 25, 2016 Local, Student-Life
Transgender Students Just Gonna Shit Wherever Now

Transgender Students Just Gonna Shit Wherever Now

BOONE, NC– Following the passing of  House Bill 2 in North Carolina, many Appalachian State students, both transgender and not, have announced plans to begin relieving themselves wherever they please. Due to the massive outbreak of civil and bowel unrest in the transgender population, Sanford Mall and a multitude of other public spaces around campus have become popular places to[Read More…]

April 11, 2016 Local, Politics, Student-Life
Culturally Insensitive Student Wears Green on Racist Holiday

Culturally Insensitive Student Wears Green on Racist Holiday

BOONE, NC — In a horrific display of cultural appropriation, ASU student Mark Schwartz was seen in class blatantly stereotyping an entire race Thursday morning by wearing a green t-shirt. The offending garment, printed with the phrase “Kiss Me I’m Irish”, spurred campus-wide protests. “It’s St. Paddy’s Day!” the culturally ignorant prick told reporters as he pinched passersby that weren’t[Read More…]

March 17, 2016 Local, Student-Life
Taking Shower Near Spider Most Intimate Student Has Been In A While

Taking Shower Near Spider Most Intimate Student Has Been In A While

BOONE, NC — Amidst his longest dry spell yet, Hank Frederickson, a junior, recently admitted that taking a shower with a spider in the bathroom is the closest thing to intimacy he’s had in six months. “I was in the middle of showering and I saw this little guy in the corner,” Frederickson said, gesturing towards his eight-legged love interest.[Read More…]

February 16, 2016 Local
Handicapped Douchebag Uses Non-Handicapped Bathroom Stall

Handicapped Douchebag Uses Non-Handicapped Bathroom Stall

BOONE, NC — Recent reports coming out of Belk Hall have confirmed that local handicapped man and apparent douchebag Brandon Anderson was identified leaving a non-handicapped designated toilet stall at approximately 10:52 AM Thursday morning. “It really pissed me off,” eyewitness Robert Palmer said. “Regular stalls are for regular people. Period.” Anderson, who has been confined to a wheelchair since age five,[Read More…]

January 28, 2016 Local