Local

Snobby Dolphin Only Eats Designer Plastic Bags

Snobby Dolphin Only Eats Designer Plastic Bags

Fernandina Beach, Florida– Citing the abnormality of finding an aquatic mammal with such specific taste, marine biologist Stacey Fredrickson has observed a snobby dolphin that only eats designer plastic bags. “I’ve never seen an animal display such a keen awareness of the pollution around him,” said Fredrickson, recalling how she has observed more than one occasion of the highly intelligent[Read More…]

February 27, 2017 Local, Science
Rogue Fingernail Clipping On Roommate’s Side Now

Rogue Fingernail Clipping On Roommate’s Side Now

Boone, NC– Reports surfaced late Saturday evening that one of freshman Lindsey Howes’s fingernail clippings shot across the 6-inch divide of her room in Gardner Residence Hall onto an unidentified part of her roommate’s side this past Sunday.  “I can’t find the little shit anywhere,” said Howes as she halfheartedly rummaged under her roommate’s desk, finding three half-drunk water bottles,[Read More…]

February 27, 2017 Local, Student-Life
Students React To Dog As If It’s The Last One Remaining

Students React To Dog As If It’s The Last One Remaining

BOONE, NC– Claiming that this is the cutest fucking dog ever, local students recently reacted to a dog being walked on campus as if it’s the last one remaining. “Puppyyy!” exclaimed sophomore Sarah Weathers as soon as the dog was in her line of sight like there had been a gigantic plague that killed all dogs on Earth except for[Read More…]

February 17, 2017 Local, Student-Life
Grandmother’s Funeral Scheduled For Fucking Weekend

Grandmother’s Funeral Scheduled For Fucking Weekend

BOONE, NC— The devastating news having just traveled from Greensboro to Boone, it now appears that the upcoming funeral for App State Freshman Adriana Roth’s recently deceased grandmother has been scheduled for the fucking weekend. “I couldn’t believe the news when I heard it,” spoke Roth of the devastatingly unfortunate time of the funeral. “I have a biology exam on[Read More…]

February 15, 2017 Local, Student-Life
Guy With Jeep Just Parks Wherever

Guy With Jeep Just Parks Wherever

BOONE, NC– Formal complaints are being filed against a Boone man who reportedly just parks his jeep wherever. Residents of hippie hill were the latest victims as they woke up to a curious sight this morning when local man Trent “Gearshift” Spencer had decided to park his forest green, 2015 Jeep Rubicon at a 70 degree angle on the beloved[Read More…]

February 9, 2017 Local, Student-Life
Vegan Educates Others On Health Detriments Of Meat Consumption Between Cigarette Drags

Vegan Educates Others On Health Detriments Of Meat Consumption Between Cigarette Drags

BOONE, NC — Patrons going outside for fresh air at the Boone Saloon this past weekend were met with an unprompted lecture on the health problems associated with meat consumption given by Junior vegan Terry Gleeson while reportedly smoking his fifth cigarette of the night. “We have three times the cancer rate as people in the rest of the world because of our meat consumption[Read More…]

January 25, 2017 Local, Student-Life
Closeted Student Finally Comfortable Enough To Come Out As Neo-Nazi

Closeted Student Finally Comfortable Enough To Come Out As Neo-Nazi

BOONE, NC– Crediting Donald Trump’s victory for giving him the bravery to share his true self, local student Chris Lemmings has decided to come out of the closet and reveal to the world that he is a proud neo-nazi. “I’ve just always assumed that nobody would accept me for who I am. I’ve never been ashamed, I just didn’t want[Read More…]

November 11, 2016 Local, Politics, Student-Life
Student Can’t Wait To Introduce Parents To Casual Fuck Buddy

Student Can’t Wait To Introduce Parents To Casual Fuck Buddy

BOONE, NC– According to reports, local Freshman Stan Fuston has been holding back excitement all week for when he will be taking fellow freshman Hannah Bern, a woman he has had intercourse with only twice, out to dinner with his parents this weekend.  “Finally I can show off to my parents that a female is capable of tolerating me,” said[Read More…]

October 20, 2016 Local, Student-Life
Two Bros Share Tender Moment While Taking Pizza Out Of Oven

Two Bros Share Tender Moment While Taking Pizza Out Of Oven

BOONE, NC– A tender scene developed last Saturday as bros Jason Fletcher and Mike Trenton reportedly brushed hands and locked eyes as they cooperated in an effort to take a pizza out of the oven. “It nearly slipped out of our hands as it came out of the oven so we both quickly grabbed the bottom and our hands met,”[Read More…]

September 12, 2016 Local, Student-Life
Desperate College Graduate Applies to Lemonade Stand

Desperate College Graduate Applies to Lemonade Stand

Boone, NC– Hoping to jumpstart her career in sales, local graduate Jessica Garnett was seen putting in an application to the 2nd-grade founder of a local successful juice business. The graduate, who finished in the top 25% of her graduating business class, turned to the homegrown establishment after being rejected by every job she applied for. “It was around the[Read More…]

May 23, 2016 Business, Local, Student-Life