Local

Last Remaining Yik Yak User Still Trying To Get Head

Last Remaining Yik Yak User Still Trying To Get Head

BOONE, NC– Claiming that he was just “testing the waters to see what’s out there,” student and last remaining Yik Yak user Brad Rocondi apparently is still trying to solicit oral sex through the long since forgotten social media app. “I know there’s at least a few people using it who’d be willing to blow me,” said Rocondi, explaining that[Read More…]

April 25, 2017 Business, Local
Bird Fucking Walking

Bird Fucking Walking

BOONE, NC– Watching some feathered bitch mindlessly move about and peck at some grass, local man Gregory Malkins realized that this goddamn dipshit has the ability to fly to wherever the hell it pleases and is just fucking walking around. “If I had an ounce of the freedom that that winged asshole has, I sure as dick wouldn’t waste it[Read More…]

April 10, 2017 Local
Local Student Nods At Homeless Man To Let Him Know He’s Cool

Local Student Nods At Homeless Man To Let Him Know He’s Cool

BOONE, NC– In a stunning display of kindness, local Appalachian State sophomore Camden Mathis nodded at a homeless man while walking down King Street in a classic gesture designed to let the homeless man know he is cool. “It’s the perfect way for me to establish a connection with almost no effort,” said Mathis. “I have to make it clear[Read More…]

March 30, 2017 Local, Student-Life
Art Major Can Paint What’s On The Outside But Can Never Paint What’s On The Inside

Art Major Can Paint What’s On The Outside But Can Never Paint What’s On The Inside

BOONE, NC– Following his still-life painting class, art major Christopher Bates gazed at his impeccably detailed Chardonnay bottle with a wedge of cheese on his canvas and realized that he can paint what’s on the outside, but never what’s on the inside. “I’ve always been told I was a good artist, but doesn’t art have to come from the soul?[Read More…]

March 2, 2017 Local, Student-Life
Snobby Dolphin Only Eats Designer Plastic Bags

Snobby Dolphin Only Eats Designer Plastic Bags

Fernandina Beach, Florida– Citing the abnormality of finding an aquatic mammal with such specific taste, marine biologist Stacey Fredrickson has observed a snobby dolphin that only eats designer plastic bags. “I’ve never seen an animal display such a keen awareness of the pollution around him,” said Fredrickson, recalling how she has observed more than one occasion of the highly intelligent[Read More…]

February 27, 2017 Local, Science
Rogue Fingernail Clipping On Roommate’s Side Now

Rogue Fingernail Clipping On Roommate’s Side Now

Boone, NC– Reports surfaced late Saturday evening that one of freshman Lindsey Howes’s fingernail clippings shot across the 6-inch divide of her room in Gardner Residence Hall onto an unidentified part of her roommate’s side this past Sunday.  “I can’t find the little shit anywhere,” said Howes as she halfheartedly rummaged under her roommate’s desk, finding three half-drunk water bottles,[Read More…]

February 27, 2017 Local, Student-Life
Students React To Dog As If It’s The Last One Remaining

Students React To Dog As If It’s The Last One Remaining

BOONE, NC– Claiming that this is the cutest fucking dog ever, local students recently reacted to a dog being walked on campus as if it’s the last one remaining. “Puppyyy!” exclaimed sophomore Sarah Weathers as soon as the dog was in her line of sight like there had been a gigantic plague that killed all dogs on Earth except for[Read More…]

February 17, 2017 Local, Student-Life
Grandmother’s Funeral Scheduled For Fucking Weekend

Grandmother’s Funeral Scheduled For Fucking Weekend

BOONE, NC— The devastating news having just traveled from Greensboro to Boone, it now appears that the upcoming funeral for App State Freshman Adriana Roth’s recently deceased grandmother has been scheduled for the fucking weekend. “I couldn’t believe the news when I heard it,” spoke Roth of the devastatingly unfortunate time of the funeral. “I have a biology exam on[Read More…]

February 15, 2017 Local, Student-Life
Guy With Jeep Just Parks Wherever

Guy With Jeep Just Parks Wherever

BOONE, NC– Formal complaints are being filed against a Boone man who reportedly just parks his jeep wherever. Residents of hippie hill were the latest victims as they woke up to a curious sight this morning when local man Trent “Gearshift” Spencer had decided to park his forest green, 2015 Jeep Rubicon at a 70 degree angle on the beloved[Read More…]

February 9, 2017 Local, Student-Life
Vegan Educates Others On Health Detriments Of Meat Consumption Between Cigarette Drags

Vegan Educates Others On Health Detriments Of Meat Consumption Between Cigarette Drags

BOONE, NC — Patrons going outside for fresh air at the Boone Saloon this past weekend were met with an unprompted lecture on the health problems associated with meat consumption given by Junior vegan Terry Gleeson while reportedly smoking his fifth cigarette of the night. “We have three times the cancer rate as people in the rest of the world because of our meat consumption[Read More…]

January 25, 2017 Local, Student-Life