Local

Physics Professor Astounded By Mystery Hill Anomalies

Physics Professor Astounded By Mystery Hill Anomalies

BOONE, NC— Noting that what she had witnessed has made her question everything he thought he knew about science, App State Physics Professor Laura Kinnaird now says that her trip to Mystery Hill this past weekend has left her completely astounded by all of the place’s scientific anomalies. “It was unlike anything I’d ever seen before,” the professor, obviously still[Read More…]

September 26, 2017 Local
New Study Reveals Only You Go To Cook Out This Often And Everyone Working There Is Disgusted With You

New Study Reveals Only You Go To Cook Out This Often And Everyone Working There Is Disgusted With You

BOONE, NC— A new study conducted by researchers at Appalachian State University has confirmed that only you go to Cook Out this frequently and that everyone working there not only realizes it but is completely appalled by your repeat visits. The study lays out, in detail, just how much food you order from the restaurant in comparison to the chain’s[Read More…]

September 21, 2017 Local
Student Who Forgot Headphones Utilizes Own Internal Screaming As Substitute

Student Who Forgot Headphones Utilizes Own Internal Screaming As Substitute

BOONE, NC– Realizing that he had forgotten his own headphones back at his apartment, App State student Kevin Jackson instead utilized his own internal screaming as a substitute for his music while on his morning walk to class. “At first, I didn’t know if it would work, but then I walked by a girl talking on the phone and couldn’t[Read More…]

September 20, 2017 Local
Last Remaining Yik Yak User Still Trying To Get Head

Last Remaining Yik Yak User Still Trying To Get Head

BOONE, NC– Claiming that he was just “testing the waters to see what’s out there,” student and last remaining Yik Yak user Brad Rocondi apparently is still trying to solicit oral sex through the long since forgotten social media app. “I know there’s at least a few people using it who’d be willing to blow me,” said Rocondi, explaining that[Read More…]

April 25, 2017 Business, Local
Bird Fucking Walking

Bird Fucking Walking

BOONE, NC– Watching some feathered bitch mindlessly move about and peck at some grass, local man Gregory Malkins realized that this goddamn dipshit has the ability to fly to wherever the hell it pleases and is just fucking walking around. “If I had an ounce of the freedom that that winged asshole has, I sure as dick wouldn’t waste it[Read More…]

April 10, 2017 Local
Local Student Nods At Homeless Man To Let Him Know He’s Cool

Local Student Nods At Homeless Man To Let Him Know He’s Cool

BOONE, NC– In a stunning display of kindness, local Appalachian State sophomore Camden Mathis nodded at a homeless man while walking down King Street in a classic gesture designed to let the homeless man know he is cool. “It’s the perfect way for me to establish a connection with almost no effort,” said Mathis. “I have to make it clear[Read More…]

March 30, 2017 Local, Student-Life
Art Major Can Paint What’s On The Outside But Can Never Paint What’s On The Inside

Art Major Can Paint What’s On The Outside But Can Never Paint What’s On The Inside

BOONE, NC– Following his still-life painting class, art major Christopher Bates gazed at his impeccably detailed Chardonnay bottle with a wedge of cheese on his canvas and realized that he can paint what’s on the outside, but never what’s on the inside. “I’ve always been told I was a good artist, but doesn’t art have to come from the soul?[Read More…]

March 2, 2017 Local, Student-Life
Snobby Dolphin Only Eats Designer Plastic Bags

Snobby Dolphin Only Eats Designer Plastic Bags

Fernandina Beach, Florida– Citing the abnormality of finding an aquatic mammal with such specific taste, marine biologist Stacey Fredrickson has observed a snobby dolphin that only eats designer plastic bags. “I’ve never seen an animal display such a keen awareness of the pollution around him,” said Fredrickson, recalling how she has observed more than one occasion of the highly intelligent[Read More…]

February 27, 2017 Local, Science
Rogue Fingernail Clipping On Roommate’s Side Now

Rogue Fingernail Clipping On Roommate’s Side Now

Boone, NC– Reports surfaced late Saturday evening that one of freshman Lindsey Howes’s fingernail clippings shot across the 6-inch divide of her room in Gardner Residence Hall onto an unidentified part of her roommate’s side this past Sunday.  “I can’t find the little shit anywhere,” said Howes as she halfheartedly rummaged under her roommate’s desk, finding three half-drunk water bottles,[Read More…]

February 27, 2017 Local, Student-Life
Students React To Dog As If It’s The Last One Remaining

Students React To Dog As If It’s The Last One Remaining

BOONE, NC– Claiming that this is the cutest fucking dog ever, local students recently reacted to a dog being walked on campus as if it’s the last one remaining. “Puppyyy!” exclaimed sophomore Sarah Weathers as soon as the dog was in her line of sight like there had been a gigantic plague that killed all dogs on Earth except for[Read More…]

February 17, 2017 Local, Student-Life