Business

Taco Bell, Auto Bell Merger Maybe Not The Best Idea After All

Taco Bell, Auto Bell Merger Maybe Not The Best Idea After All

BOONE, NC– In a situation shareholders are calling “a real head-scratcher,” last month’s merger between the local Auto Bell and neighboring Taco Bell has proven to not be as good an idea as originally thought. “We figured it would be the ultimate convenience,” said Taco Bell franchise owner Harry Graham. “People like clean cars and people like tacos so who[Read More…]

April 15, 2016 Business
Wal-Mart Mounts Severed K On Pike As Ominous Warning To Other Stores

Wal-Mart Mounts Severed K On Pike As Ominous Warning To Other Stores

BOONE, NC — Several reports indicate that the K from the Kmart sign was stolen from the shredded remains of the old supermarket Monday night and has since been displayed in dramatic fashion skewered on a spike in front of the Wal-Mart. The graphic scene, which many detailed to be more gruesome than anything they’d ever seen, left shoppers in[Read More…]

April 7, 2016 Business
Ethical Drug Dealer to Sell Organic, Fair-Trade Marijuana

Ethical Drug Dealer to Sell Organic, Fair-Trade Marijuana

BLOWING ROCK, NC — In an attempt to connect with an ever-more progressive-minded consumer base, local drug dealer Chet Martinez has begun offering certified fair-trade marijuana sourced from local, wage-paying growing facilities. “I’m happy to announce that beginning in April, through a partnership with Fairtrade International, I will now only be offering free-trade, locally sourced cannabis,” Martinez said. “Now, my[Read More…]

March 22, 2016 Business
Hillary Clinton Pauses Mid-Speech To Acknowledge Message From Corporate Sponsor

Hillary Clinton Pauses Mid-Speech To Acknowledge Message From Corporate Sponsor

HOOKSETT, NH – After stressing her devotion to overturning Citizens United and ensuring that unaccountable money is cast from the political system, Hillary Clinton paused during a speech at Hooksett Town Hall on Monday to allow for a brief, 30-second message from her AT&T sponsors. “Big money is corrupting American politics. It is time we make certain that average voters have[Read More…]

February 10, 2016 Business, Politics
Student Exclusively Purchases French Dip From McAlister’s In Solidarity With France

Student Exclusively Purchases French Dip From McAlister’s In Solidarity With France

Boone, NC–In the days following the tragic  attacks in Paris, sophomore Alvin Barris has announced his plans to order a McAlister’s French Dip every day in support of the embattled nation. “I just wanted to help in any way I could,” said Barris. “I couldn’t figure out how to put the French flag over my profile picture, so I decided[Read More…]

November 24, 2015 Business, Politics
Pat McCrory Denies Starving Campers Entry Into Krispy Kreme

Pat McCrory Denies Starving Campers Entry Into Krispy Kreme

BOONE, NC — Calling the decision “a simple matter of security,” Governor Pat McCrory announced plans Monday to deny those camping in front of the Boone Krispy Kreme entry into the newly-opened donut bakery. “I empathize with these people out here in the cold,” said McCrory, gesturing to the small shanty-town of tents erected outside the building. “But we’ve all[Read More…]

November 17, 2015 Business, Politics
Student Dies After Intravenously Consuming McAlister’s Reuben

Student Dies After Intravenously Consuming McAlister’s Reuben

BOONE, NC — Sparking concern over safe eating practices on campus, sophomore Sean Doyle was found deceased in a Trivette dining hall bathroom Wednesday afternoon after having injected himself with a McAlister’s reuben sandwich via an IV drip. Autopsy reports stated that Doyle intravenously ingested a lethal concoction of thousand island dressing and sauerkraut, causing immediate cardiac arrest. “It’s heartbreaking,”[Read More…]

October 20, 2015 Business, Student-Life
$280 Bojangles Order Ruined By Lack Of Honey Mustard

$280 Bojangles Order Ruined By Lack Of Honey Mustard

BOONE, NC – Onlookers were stunned at the Boone Bojangles Thursday when drive-thru patron Stephen Hatler’s $280 order was rendered pointless and inedible after the store ran out of honey mustard. “I mean, without the honey mustard, what’s the point?” said Hatler after cancelling his order, which consisted of multiple 12-piece tailgate specials, approximately 60 chicken supremes, and every biscuit[Read More…]

April 13, 2015 Business
Adoption Agencies Turn Away Shitty Kid

Adoption Agencies Turn Away Shitty Kid

RALEIGH, NC – Sam and Carol Brenson recently put out an advertisement in the newspaper begging anyone to adopt their son Chet after every adoption agency in the country turned away their shitty kid. The parents admitted to realizing that they didn’t want to raise Chet anymore when he was as young as four. “That was the first time he[Read More…]

February 16, 2015 Business, Local
NC Teacher’s Union Celebrates Substantial Pay Increase With Extravagant Evening At Long John Silvers

NC Teacher’s Union Celebrates Substantial Pay Increase With Extravagant Evening At Long John Silvers

RALEIGH, NC – Thoroughly reveling in the monetary spoils of their recent lobbying efforts which ultimately led to a 5.5% statewide increase in teachers salaries plus longevity, members of the North Carolina Association of Educators celebrated with a lavish dinner at a Raleigh area Long John Silver’s Friday night, sources confirmed. After scrutinizing various Yelp reviews, examining the menu in[Read More…]

December 1, 2014 Business, Politics