Business

Last Remaining Yik Yak User Still Trying To Get Head

Last Remaining Yik Yak User Still Trying To Get Head

BOONE, NC– Claiming that he was just “testing the waters to see what’s out there,” student and last remaining Yik Yak user Brad Rocondi apparently is still trying to solicit oral sex through the long since forgotten social media app. “I know there’s at least a few people using it who’d be willing to blow me,” said Rocondi, explaining that[Read More…]

April 25, 2017 Business, Local
Corporate Advertisements Added To Expression Tunnels

Corporate Advertisements Added To Expression Tunnels

BOONE, NC– Claiming that the new additions will only serve to benefit the community, the school board unanimously voted in favor of including corporate advertisements in the App State expression tunnels. “Now students will be able to learn about new and exciting products on their way to class,” said Board of Trustees member George Baldwin, adding that at least a[Read More…]

March 9, 2017 Business, Student-Life
The Standard Planting Flowers To Keep Out The Smell Of Poor

The Standard Planting Flowers To Keep Out The Smell Of Poor

BOONE, NC– Citing a desire to reinforce the differences between those that live in The Standard at Boone and the others, The Standard at Boone confirmed that they are indeed planting a variety of flowers throughout the property to keep out the smell of poor. “This way our residents are not only fiscally superior to this filthy community, but aromatically[Read More…]

March 6, 2017 Business, Student-Life
Prospective Student Disappointed That There Is No Hot Topic At Sanford Mall

Prospective Student Disappointed That There Is No Hot Topic At Sanford Mall

BOONE, NC– After searching aimlessly around the Sanford Mall for hours, high school senior Danny Childress came to the harrowing realization that there is no Hot Topic at Sanford Mall during his campus tour this past Monday. “The mall was one of the main reasons I was considering App State,” Childress said. “Well guess what? I walked across every square[Read More…]

March 2, 2017 Business, Student-Life
Student’s Card Gets Declined At Walmart Subway As If Already Being Inside A Subway That’s Also Inside A Walmart Isn’t Fucking Bad Enough

Student’s Card Gets Declined At Walmart Subway As If Already Being Inside A Subway That’s Also Inside A Walmart Isn’t Fucking Bad Enough

BOONE, NC– Revealing that it took all of her not to just curl up into a ball and cry, local student Sarah Lynch got her card declined this past Tuesday at the Subway inside Walmart as if already being inside a Subway that’s also a Walmart isn’t fucking bad enough. Lynch, a junior, had never felt so absolutely pathetic in[Read More…]

February 23, 2017 Business, Student-Life
Goodwill Opening Student Section So You Don’t Have To Look At Poor People While You Shop

Goodwill Opening Student Section So You Don’t Have To Look At Poor People While You Shop

BOONE, NC– Following a growing demand from students, Goodwill has initiated plans to redesign their Boone locations with the goal of relocating the less desirable lower class families from the stores so that students can shop in comfort without having to see them. This change was spearheaded recently by the App State club Students Against Poor People (SAPP), whose main[Read More…]

November 4, 2016 Business
New Ghost Train Attraction To Just Yell At White People About Privilege

New Ghost Train Attraction To Just Yell At White People About Privilege

  BOONE, NC– Claiming that the maze accompanies their new spooky theme, Tweetsie Railroad has unveiled a new attraction to accompany this year’s Ghost Train that’s just a haunted house filled with volunteers that scream at white people about their privilege. The alleged intention of the haunted house, which is coined “The Wrath Of White Privilege,” is to force white[Read More…]

October 4, 2016 Business, Student-Life
Desperate College Graduate Applies to Lemonade Stand

Desperate College Graduate Applies to Lemonade Stand

Boone, NC– Hoping to jumpstart her career in sales, local graduate Jessica Garnett was seen putting in an application to the 2nd-grade founder of a local successful juice business. The graduate, who finished in the top 25% of her graduating business class, turned to the homegrown establishment after being rejected by every job she applied for. “It was around the[Read More…]

May 23, 2016 Business, Local, Student-Life
Local Bigots Boycott Place They Think Target Should Be Built

Local Bigots Boycott Place They Think Target Should Be Built

BOONE, NC–In opposition of Target’s trans-friendly corporate policy, a group of indignant bigots in Boone have decided to boycott and protest the 17-acre patch of fenced-in, mostly concrete land on Meadowview Drive where they think the store should be built. Although no studies have shown that trans people pose a threat to others near enclosed, concrete slabs, the enraged boycotters[Read More…]

May 1, 2016 Business, Politics
Campus Beepers Form Union

Campus Beepers Form Union

BOONE, NC– Citing an uptick in mistreatment of student beepers, a beeper union has been formed to ensure that they don’t have their rights as an American Worker encroached upon. While terms are still being negotiated, newly elected union president Scott Ganaway promised that from this point onward, all beepers will be ensured a fair healthcare and dental plan. Ganaway[Read More…]

April 22, 2016 Business, Politics, Student-Life