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BOONE, NC– Watching some feathered bitch mindlessly move about and peck at some grass, local man Gregory Malkins realized that this goddamn dipshit has the ability to fly to wherever the hell it pleases and is just fucking walking around. “If I had an ounce of the freedom that that winged asshole has, I sure as dick wouldn’t waste it in rural North Carolina,” Malkins said, explaining that if he could fly, he would go somewhere awesome like New York and live in a cloud or something, adding that he thinks all types of fowl are just glorified chicken nuggets that don’t deserve this super power if they aren’t even going to make the most of it. “The brainless squawk boxes run into buildings for fucksake. What kind of useless excuse of an animal runs into stuff that doesn’t move? You’d have to be pretty stupid to do that. Like, just fly over it! You’re a fucking bird!” At press time, Malkins saw a squirrel climb up a tree fast and was pretty pissed off he couldn’t do that either.