By: Harper Turek CLEVELAND, OH – Just the latest...
By: Jacob Kratt BOONE – Boone police and the community at large were relieved today to discover that student Mary-Anne Forsythe, of the Appalachian music department, is alive after being discovered this week in a Broyhill Music Center practice facility. Forsythe, a 20-year-old flute performance major, was reported missing by friends and family in late February of this year, as[Read More...]
By: Derick Wood BOONE—For the last several months, Appalachian has been desperately seeking a new chancellor to take the place of our beloved Peacock. At long last, the new Chancellor has been announced, accompanied by the age-old tradition of white smoke ascending from the sacred taint of the physical plant, serving to announce that the selection process has come to[Read More...]
By: Joey Pitchford BOONE – It was a bizarre scene earlier this week when a small group of preachers accidentally discovered the presence of the Antichrist on campus while handing out bibles to passersby. “We were just standing outside the student union trying to spread the word of God” said Ralph Hartford, a 65 year-old retiree who now spends his time dispersing indistinguishable[Read More...]
App State to Move All Academic Departments Into Trailer. Vacated Buildings to be Turned Into Football Workout Facilities.
By: Will Fortune BOONE—In an unanimous vote taken recently, Appalachian State University executives decided to move all academic departments into a trailer behind Gardner Hall, refurbishing the educational buildings into football workout facilities. University administrators are working to make sure this decision comes into effect by the beginning of next semester. “Who cares?” Noted President for Academic Affairs, Art Nole.[Read More...]
By: Jacob Kratt The campus’ Varsity Gymnasium, having suffered the loss of vital alphabetical components, has been officially scheduled for a name change, as its primary sign lettering now reads “Varsity Gymnsm”. Gymnsm officials were not available for on-the-record commentary, but noted athletic department authorities have expressed disappointment over the lack of funding available for vowels in the athletic budget.[Read More...]
By: Brian Froeb BOONE, NC – With the arrival of spring in Boone, Appalachian students have taken to congregating on Sanford Mall to enjoy the sunshine by partaking in a number of activities including slacklining, juggling, tanning, soccer, football, and even throwing a Frisbee. However, this joy and springtime fun brings out another unique population, the douchebag guitarists, who come[Read More...]
By: Harper Turek CLEVELAND, OH – Just the latest in the never-ending string of conspiracy theories, local accountant Richard Potosky, has been informing his clients of his belief that the government is somehow attempting to collect 25% of every American’s annual income. Basing his suspicions on what he says to be “firm and undisputable evidence,” the man has set out[Read More...]
By Joey Pitchford Citing a downshift in both interest and hope regarding the issue, CNN announced on Sunday that formerly-critically-acclaimed director and avid twister enthusiast M. Night. Shyamalan would be joining the network as head director of CNN’s still ongoing coverage of the missing Malaysia Flight 370, in order to add a bit of excitement to what CNN executives have[Read More...]